I have remarked elsewhere in my posts about some of my relatives getting married to North Indian Girls.
This post is about how compatibles the families were and after before the marriage .
A look into the actual apprehensions , misapprehensions as well.
One boy got married to a Kashmiri Girl and another a Punjabi.
Lest people may think I am generalizing about all the communities, Let me say that both the girls were Brahmins.
Different perspective may be required for opinions on marrying a North Indian and from another community.
Under this category , I have a cousin of mine who got married to a girl from Bengal from another community and the marriage is not what it should be.
However in the present cases there were identical initial objections that normally come in the case of Love marriages that arise even while marrying within the Community.
“We do not know the family”
“We do not know their background”
In the case of marrying to a North Indian the major objection from South Indians is that North Indian Brahmin Culture is different, they are too easy going to adapt to South Indian family vales, they spend too much, and they take unnecessary risks in Life and career.
All the problems were present in the marriages I have mentioned.
And another observation from the South is that the Girl’s side may not agree to South Indian Style of marriage and this the South considers as a sacrilege.
Whatever be the divide between the North and the South , they are united in this objection!
( Let me add, many will consider me as a heretic, that by looking at some of the South Indian marriages being conducted, I feel that it is better to have a registered marriage, for to such level marriage as religious ceremony has descended to with everything being done at the convenience of the people and for Pomp)
The major difference between the North and South Indian marriages are the performance of Marriage in the evening and the non use of Thaali in many North Indian marriages.
The North Indian marriage has Kanyadhaan, Panigrahan and Sapthapathi.
Technically this is the correct Vedic marriage procedure.
Thaali is a concept taken by Aapasthamba, while composing the Aapasthamba Sutra for people living south of the Vindhyas.
Please read my post on this.
So the objection on these grounds seem to be trivial.
Another difficulty faced by the Boys’ parents is that they are used to demanding money from the Bride’s side during the Marriage while in the North Indian marriages(at least in Punjabi and Kashmiri at least) the Boys’ parents are made to shell out for the bride in the form of more jewellery and gifts to her relatives.
But once these initial hiccups are over, the parents of both he children have become very close and each tries to accommodate the other!
The level of looking after the guests is some thing seen to be believed.
And , irrespective of family misunderstandings, (which family does not have), the relatives rally around and take a personal interest, not delegating things to Agencies, even though they have arranged things through the Agencies.
And I have found the girls, though they are very well employed and hail from well to do families, to be very respectful, easy-going and at ease with the new-found relatives.
Though I am not related to these boys closely they often call me up for no specific reason but to chat and enquire about my family and they in general are good.
But this depends on how one interacts with them.
If you keep to your own without interfering into their affairs, which we have no business to, and offer advice when sought for, every thing is fine.
Other wise, things might go awry as with modern girls
.Considering some case of married South Indian Girls, the North seems to better.
Do not take cudgels for this view as this is my experience and my conviction is that a North Indian Girl would do nicely for a South Indian Boy.
The other sides, that of the North Indian Girl’s point of view and the experience of a South Indian Girl marrying to a North Indian Boy, I do not know.
* The Couples seem to be happy.
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5 responses to “South Marrying a North Indian Girl”
Well, I am North Indian Brahmin guy married to a South Indian Brahmin girl. To us South and North doesn’t matter because a Brahmin is a Brahmin where ever he goes.
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Sir,Please let me know if we should follow Manu Smriti, Vedas ,Rituals in vogue being exalted in movies and serials OR your advice when it comes to pulling out the sinful widow’s thali on the 11th day.I hope Sir we are all aware that The Great Sir William Jones translated The Manu Smriti while formulating the Hindu Law for us during the Colonial rule.Considering that we should be following Manu’s amusing and amazing insulting laws for women rather than the Vedas or the rituals in vogue!After all even the great Mutt heads follow Manu.Should we ignore the Vedas?What’s this new Paal Paayasam made with Bangles and mangalsutra made in the eleventh hour on the eleventh day by a Senior widow.Its good to know that WIDOWS have a pride of place for at least one function-Otherwise they cannot sit in the Sabhai,Go for varalaksmi nombu and Golus and will never ever ever be given Thamboolam at any place!I have seen Theerga Sumangalis carrying Turmeric pods tied in their pallus while visiting a recently bereaved “”””widow”””” house.She cannot conduct her childrens wedding leave alone even try to climb the stage.I hope your idea of Sr widow going in the middle of the night to pull out bangles and thaali in the dark does not end up in a thief taking away all these!!!Mangal sutra paal paayasam -where are u quoting from Sir,Manu Smriti,Vedas[which need not be followed] or rituals based on big and small screen stories?Pleaqse enlighten me. I would like to give you a real life story of a A very famous doctor’s concubine who wears lots of make up,Kum Kum,bangles flowers and finery and visits the Shankara Mutts with a cheque book in handShwe lives in our colony.I wonder whetrer the mutt heads know through Gnana drishti know who they are giving blessings to.There are plenty of widows I know who visit these mutts in Sumangali attire to get blessings.When I asked one of them ‘Arent you cheating” she said-I want blessings thats all! Our community treats Widows like Sewer rats,Theeergha sumangalis[be it Kausalya,kaikeyi or Sumitra like goddesses,Men married once Ok,Polygamous men as if they are a Muhammed Ali and Widowers with a pride of place.They are not even referred to as a widower.Long live Manu Smriti.Only Raja Ram Mohan Roy beat all the odds against our illogical Cruel Community.Even Indira gandhi could not beat the odds.Why she had to stoop down is a mystery.Sir please give a answer
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1.As far as Manu Smriti is concerned it does not talk about Thaali / Magak sutra at all.
2.Thaali is a concept which came later after a set of customs formed by taking Tamil practices and Thaali is not a part of Vedic marriage ritual.
3. Kindly read my posts on Manu Smriti and Manu’ Texts before making sweeping statements solely based on William Jones or translation by a westerner.
3. As for as the practice of breaking bangles of a bereaved woman, it is not found in the Vedas or any other authentic text.Even if it is mentioned it does not have the sanction of the vedas and as such should not be practiced. It is reprehensible and has to be done away with.In my family when my eldest brother died ( he was 85) I ensured that this practice was not followed for my sister in law despite my her being ultra orthodox.
As for as the Mutts are concerned I had the issue checked with the head Pontiff of a famous Mutt in South. I was told by him that as the head of a traditional mutt he has to follow certain practices set by his predecessors though it has no authority and this practice has to be dispensed with.
My request to people is that they read our texts in original ot at least translations by indian scholars with open mind with no secular agenda before ridiculing Hindu practices. Regards.
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Sir,Thanks for the reply.
I still have some doubts.
If the manu smriti and the Vedas do not talk about Mangal sutra and Thaali why are religious powers to be advocating these rituals? I know of a group of shaven and unshaven widows who went for darshan from pudukottai to the kanchi mut6t and were insulted right at the entry as if they were criminals and/or untouchables.
Even today the society treats them like that though not outwardly in some cases.
Whatever it may be a widow is a bad omen in our society.What sin did she committ/Is she being punished for her previous birth sins?Is widowhood a sin?Which scriptures say so?
1] What rules should we follow for widowhood rituals?Like
# Taking away the kumkum
,#Brothers generously donating white sarees to their beloved sister
r#Senior experienced ,Widows pulling thaalis and putting them into milk!
2]Should they also pull out the flowers which our cruel rules ask the widow to wear for 10 days until the loving husband’s soul bids goodbye,the metti from the feet,How long should all these paraphrenalia be kept immersed in Milk??Why not put them in water.Easier-Milk goes bad fast! Thank God they dont ask the widow to drink the Milk!!!
3]Why does the society treat Widows like a bad omen?
4]Why is she not invited for any Nombu,Golu,on stage to bless even if she is the own mother?
Any south Indian wedding rings with the calls for “Sumangali gal konjam vaango” for AArathi,Pacha pudi,tying the saree for the bride etc.
Whereas a widower can right royally tie a veshti for a groom.
The widows in the crowd cringe and curse themselves.Was the Sati there so that the poor widow did not have to go through torture for the rest of her life?
I will not agree if anyone tells me that widows are treated without cruelty in our society.They are and with a little bit of arrogance by the Pazutha sumangalis as they are called.
5]Why is she not offered Thamboolam in any house she visits?Is it because her widowhood may be contagious to the exalted”” Theerga sumangalis “”in the house hold?
6]Who stopped the beautiful idea of shaving a woman’s head.I have seen it in vogue even 40 years back.Of course our modern, forward thinking Kamal gave shaved widow hood a “Status” in Dasavadaaram in case people had forgotten.
He even made a joke of her.Did not the Paati have any self respect???
7]Why are Theeerga Sumangalis given pride of place in society in spite of being part of their Husband’s polygamy status,in spite of their husband being a good for nothing non -earning or wife beating member of the house hold?
8] Is there something so grand and terrific inside a Theerga Sumangalan Man that keeps the wife’s Theerga Sumangali status hanging on a thin thread?
9] The Word” Theerga Sumangali” itself is a misnomer.Any second it can change status.Only a Man can be a Theerga Sumangalan,married once or several times,beraved of one or more of his wives,divorced and at any point of time.
10] MANU-
25. “Ya to kanya…………….” – 8/369. In case a woman tears the membrane [hymen] of her Vagina, she shall instantly have her head shaved or two fingers cut off and made to ride on Donkey.
26. “Bhartaram…………….” – 8/370. In case a women, proud of the greatness of her excellence or her relatives, violates her duty towards her husband, the King shall arrange to have her thrown before dogs at a public place.
.32. “Poonshchalya…………” – 9/15. Because of their passion for men, immutable temper and natural heartlessness,women are not loyal to their husbands.
33. “Na asti strinam………” – 9/18. While performing namkarm and jatkarm, Vedic mantras are not to be recited by women, because women are lacking in strength and knowledge of Vedic texts. Women are impure and represent falsehood
.34. “Devra…sapinda………” – 9/58. On failure to produce offspring with her husband, she may obtain offspring by cohabitation with her brother-in-law [devar] or with some other relative [sapinda] on her in-law’s side.
35. “Vidwayam…………….” – 9/60. He who is appointed to cohabit with a widow shall approach her at night, be anointed with clarified butter and silently beget one son, but by no means a second one.
36. “Yatha vidy……………..” – 9/70. In accordance with established law, the sister-in-law [bhabhi] must be clad in white garments; with pure intent her brother-in-law [devar] will cohabitate with her until she conceives.
37]“Ati kramay……………” – 9/77. Any women who disobey orders of her lethargic, alcoholic and diseased husband shall be deserted for three months and be deprived of her ornaments.-
38. “Vandyashtamay…….” – 9/80. A barren wife may be superseded in the 8th year; she whose children die may be superseded in the 10th year and she who bears only daughters may be superseded in the 11th year; but she who is quarrelsome may be superseded without delay.
I DO HOPE THESE ARE NOT THE ORIGINAL VERSES OF MANU SMRITI.
If not please give me a reference to the original which the Shankara mutt heads want us to follow.
Waiting for a answer to my doubts Sir.
regards,
a very frustrated Person.
PS-We may be a intelligent race but we are the cruellest when it comes to treatment of widows.
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Reply in your other comment.
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