‘My wife and I got into an argument you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?’

My wife and I got into an argument that we hope you can settle. Did she sleep with Jim?

— Tod Perry, Birmingham, AL

Dear The Onion,
Just wanted to let you know that most of the deer heads in my trophy room are stuffed with your fine newspaper.

— Eldridge Calhoun, Greensboro, NC

Dear The Onion,
There isn’t much I don’t know at least something about so if you guys ever need help with anything feel free to get in touch.

— Laura Fish, Chicago

Dear The Onion,
I’m having trouble telling when to flip an omelet, and whether or not my girlfriend has had an orgasm during sex. I would appreciate any advice you could offer on either front.

— Curt Bentzel, York, PA

Dear The Onion,
If you could spare a meal, I’d surely appreciate the bounty of your table. I aim to do some work ’round here to make things right. Thank you kindly.

12.10.08

Dear Sir Or Madam,
Is it true that if I turn my parents in for treason the government will let me stay up to watch The Little Couple?

— Cory, Clearmont, WY

Dear The Onion,
I know your etiquette column said 20 percent is an appropriate amount to tip for good service, but I’ve realized that even if you don’t leave anything, there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Hope this helps!

— Earl Decker, Marietta, GA

Dear The Onion,
I’m color-blind. What’s green like?

— Brian Ackley, Southfield, MI

Dear The Onion,
How do you know if you’ve been emasculated? My mom says I am but I’m not sure.

— Skip Hannigan, Gainesville, FL

http://www.theonion.com/articles/emasculated,17615/