Ramanisblog

Tag: Love

  • Husband Wife Can Not be Your Best Friend

    I came across an article on this and noticed this discussion in some forums.

    Spouse is the Best Friend
    Spouse is the Best Friend?

    It is often assumed that you can share everything with your friend without any reservation.

    Fact is that the one whom you can share without reservations is your best friend  and not the other way.

    When you share something with some one you should not be apprehensive about the fall out or the consequences of divulging such information.

    One has to be wary of the fact that it might change their attitude and behavior towards you.

    The one whom you share might have their own agenda.

    This is likely to complicate relations with them further because you are not sure whether their advice or opinions are colored and biased in their favor.

    In general, it is not practical to share everything with relatives, wife/husband included for the reasons mentioned above.

    In the case of a friend it is different for they have no axes to grind nor are they interested in using your information or in some cases,You!

    It is often thought one is expected to share everything with  those whom they Love.

    Incorrect.

    Unselfish, Altruistic  Love is Utopian, not practical.

    In any relationship there is always an element of expectation.

    Moreover one loves some one for certain qualities and not for all the qualities one possesses.

    Therefore ,their perceptions need not concur with others and they never will.

    So the question of sharing is fraught with complication with relatives.

    But as I said earlier it is not so with friends.

    The problem is that such friends are rare to come by.

    I am fortunate to have such a friend(read my post on Friendship)

    Coming to the issue of sharing with Spouse,it is very dicey and often leads to complications.

    This does not mean you do not love.

    The conception that Love is complete only when you share, in my opinion, is childish.

    Love is about caring, that’s all.

    This requires a more healthy and mature  Attitude than sharing.

    Yet the question of sharing between Man and Woman always, though unspoken, has sexual implications.

    Platonic Love is for Plato_Did he have a happy married Life?

    Some references and discussions.

    *There are exceptions,

    ”

    For most people, their spouse is the person they see the most on any given day. From the moment they wake up in the morning to the moment they go to sleep at night, it’s their spouse who hears all of their thoughts and ideas, who listens to their observations on the day, and who does it all over again the next. But does that make their spouse their best friend?

    The other night over dinner, this question came up with some girlfriends of mine. They are lucky enough to have the lifelong friends some of us can only dream about. Friends who have known them since they were 4, nursed them through high school breakups and junior high drama. Friends who know their family dynamics better than their cousins and stood beside them at their wedding, tearing up and smiling for the camera.

    So who is our “best friend”? For me, it’s my husband. Hands down. I have other people I adore and feel close to, but no one knows my innermost everything like my husband. Then again, I am lucky in that I have known him since I was 10 and he DID know my family … So maybe it’s different if you meet in your late 20s or 30s.

    We asked around and polled 14 women to ask their opinions and got a varied amount of amazing responses. Here are some:

    1.) “When asked who my BFF is, I never think to respond my husband, but if I think about what one means, then yes, he is. That said, he’s NOT my favorite person to do everything with, and there are some things I’d rather do/issues I’d rather discuss with my BFF than him.”

    2.) “No one knows me like the friend I grew up with. She was my neighbor, she knew my parents when they were alive and she knew them well. I love my husband, but no one could ever know me like her.”

    3.) “I’m closer with him than anyone, feel most comfortable around him, have so much fun with him, and know I can count on him more than anyone else. However, that said, there are some things he just doesn’t get that my girl ‘best friend’ does — especially when it comes to being a mom and how much we put into it!”

    4.) “My husband is my best friend. As for why — he’s funny, he’s good company, he likes many of the same things I do, and he’s been my partner through thick and thin for over 13 years.”

    5.) “Yes, he is. We went into this as best friends, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have other best friends, but he’s number one.”

    6.) “Without a doubt, my husband is my best friend. Still, I’m proud to have several other friends that are very close behind. But we don’t have sex so …?”

    7.) “I have a best friend that isn’t my husband. Obviously, my husband and I know each other like only we could know. We support one another emotionally, we have great conversations and so much fun together. We are raising kids and sharing a house together and I couldn’t imagine doing it with another human being, but my best friend is someone who I have known forever, we have shared more with each other than any other. Both experiences and secrets. We have shared hilarious times, sad times, great times, and horrendous times together and I honestly would not be where I am today without her love, advice, and guidance.”

    8.) “My husband and I are probably totally co-dependent in that we do everything together (even grocery shop). He is my foil, the shoulder I can lean on when I am down, and the person who has my back all the time. Sometimes I feel bad for not having that one woman who is my soul sister BFF, but then I think about my marriage and how LUCKY we are. I am so thankful that I have this man I want to talk to all night and rip off his clothes at the same time. Even after a decade of marriage. So yeah, he’s my best friend with a million benefits, to boot.”

    http://askville.amazon.com/husband-friend/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=89360982

    http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159547/does_your_husband_have_to

    ‘

    I think declaring that your husband is your best friend is very trendy these days. With that said, I am sure many of you consider your husband to be your best friend. However when I married 43 years ago I loved and still love my husband dearly. However, he is NOT my best friend. Why ? Because who do you talk to when your husband pisses you off ? Not him….its your best friend, who in my case happens to be a girl who understands me so much better than my husband.
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  • Do Not Think But Feel For Others

    One of the disadvantages of being the head of the Family is the task of offering Advice.

    Emoticons
    Emoticons

    Some times your advice may not be needed on an issue.

    One does not know whether the information conveyed to you is for information, advice or for approval.

    Some times it is for information.

    In such cases if you offer advice, it is plain ignored , or worse you are told it is not required.

    On that score if you keep quiet  on other occasions, you are told that you are not involved.

    You have a Hobson’s’ Choice.

    In either case, you will be blamed.

    It is safe, in the interest of the family, offer Advice with no great hope of being paid heed to.

    In this case,if people do follow it is good; if not’ you do not get hurt because you did not expect to be heard.

    Another  scenario  is expressing one’s feelings.

    It is recommended that you express your feelings to others.

    It so happens that I am brought up in an environment where not much of expression of emotion was encouraged and the examples were set my Father and other menfolk.

    My father was of such a disposition, that when his father died, the body was in laid out in the Hall of the house in the Hindu manner, and there was my father reclining , apparently non nonchalantly  in an armed chair rocking gently.

    I was about 15 then.

    I asked him as to why he did  not cry for his father’s death.

    He replied,

    ‘If some one can guarantee that my father will come back alive if I cry, I shall.

    No amount of tears will bring him back.

    So why cry?

    On another occasion when my other was lying in bed seriously afflicted with Cancer, I was half asleep around by 100 am.

    My father woke me up gently and told me,

    ‘Your Mother is dead, now go to sleep’

    I was shocked.

    it is a different matter that my father who was nearly 110  kgs came down to bout 70 kgs in a matter of six months after my mother’ death.

    In another instance, when my father heard the news of my first wife’s death from me, he  did not react; he stood numb and promptly lost his power of hearing.

    Not that he did not feel, only that he did not find it necessary to express his anguish or feelings as, in his opinion, it is unnecessary.

    For him , his feelings are best with in himself.

    He did not seek other’s approval of his Love for others such out ward expressions.

    Before his death he told me ,

    ‘Some times, I think it is necessary that you let the others know what you  feel to make them feel good.

    There is nothing wrong, now I realize.

    Ensure that your emotions are genuine , not artificial .

    True.

    I am guilty of the same failing.

    Well it is difficult to change at my age.

    To be happy and make others happy, it is necessary to express one’s feelings.

    And avoid thinking for them, including offering advice.

    Now we seem to be doing the reverse,

    Thinking for other,not  expressing the feelings for them.

    Better change it,

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  • Love Is……..?

    I had been on a tour to some Temples for the last five Days.

    I have been lucky to cover 20 Temples and not one of them is less than 1000 years old.

    I was using only Public Transport.

    I normally engage in conversations with strangers ans enjoy Life as it goes by.

    Three instances, I thought were worth sharing.

    I will be sharing two of them and another one by a separate post as it is a very interesting one, to me at least.

    I was traveling by train from Mayiladuthurai, Tamil Nadu to Tiruchirapalli.

    I was engaged in conversation with a young man of about 35 and he shared some of his problems .

    The name is not being mentioned here and the issue is common to all.

    He is a builder of some repute and is in Kumbakonam.

    His wife is in Tiruchi and his parents are in Thiruvanaikkaval, near Tiruchi.

    He has been married for  eight years and has a child of three years.

    His wife has gone to live with her parents in Tiruchi and he is staying is Kumbakonam,about two hours drive.

    His wife and himself were living in Sri Thiruvanaikaval with his parents till about a year back.

    His wife wanted to have a house for themselves and suggested Kumbakonam.

    So the man built a House in Kumbakonam.

    After moving in  there, his wife refused to stay there any more because, his two sisters were living there and they used to come to his house at least twice a month.

    His wife did not like this nor she did like his visiting his sisters.

    She wanted to dispose of the house at Kumbakonam and wanted to settle at Tiruchi where her parents are living by building a new house.

    She was not prepared to go Thiruvanaikaval where her in-laws lived, even if it were to be separate House.

    The man is unable to sell the house at Kumbakonam and is frustrated with his wife and Life in general.

    His parents have told him to take any decision which suits him.

    He sought my advice and it is not relevant to what I am posting here.

    Couple of days later, I was traveling from Viralimalai,I Tiruchi by bus.

    A young man of about 30, who was sitting next to me, was talking on his Cell phone.

    He was saying( his younger sister I presumed by his talk).,

    ‘Don’t’ worry, Elder brother, (himself) is leaving for  work…

    I have to catch the eight o’clock k train….

    No, you don’t come….

    I have told everyone to take care of you..

    But you also be careful,

    While going out eat properly, don’t stay awake late at night,

    If you have to go out go out with friends, never alone…

    I will be there for the Temple festival in a month’s time…

    I will call you from the Station…

    Whenever you need anything, call me.’

    Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he was speaking.

    Both the instances relate to Relations, Relationship.

    Which one can I call Love?

    P.S. He is unmarried.

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  • The Science Of Love And Sex

    The title seems to one, a misnomer.

    Love in Tamil Literature.
    Love in Tamil Literature.

    Love belongs to Heart, but Science to Mind.

     

    Then why this Title?

     

    Lone is of Heart but the classification of in a scientific manner calls for this title.

     

    How?

     

    Tamil Literature.

     

    A language of over 5000 years of antiquity , probably of the same period of Sanskrit)The Vedas refer to Tamil !) has exquisitely demarcated finer feelings into  Literary categories where it studies,explains and classifies these feelings in grand Poetry.

     

    Human activities are divided into two broad categories.

     

    That which is external and more expressive and related to activities more in Public.

     

    This is called “Puram”-புறம்

     

    The other one relates more to private feelings and activities of Man, Love between Man and Woman.

     

    This is classified as ‘Agam’-‘அகம் .

     

    ‘Agam  ‘ and ‘Puram’, both are part of the feelings of Pleasure.

     

    Puram deals with valour, Compassion and the like where it involves more The Society than the individual.

     

    One might call them as Public sentiments while Agam relates to private feelings.

     

    These Private private feelings are of two kinds.

     

    1.Relationship that has not been sanctified by Marriage, or prior to Marriage, Love

     

    This is called ‘Kalaviyal'(Meeting in Secrecy’) -களவியல் .

     

    One finds the process pf falling in Love, how the one pines for the other, their pangs of separation, the efforts of friends to unite them, the pleasures they get on meeting.

     

    This also explains the signs of love in one, the concern of people for their ‘ill health!

     

    The hints thrown by the lovers to each other and those around them of their for each other.

     

     

     

     

     

     

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  • Wife’s Thoughts On Husband’s death

    I received a Forward.

    I am porting some thing which has no relevance, yet relevant to the story here.

    Go through the Story.

    There is a bland statement to the effect that the husband died and only  narration dealing with monetary affairs.

    As if a thought had struck that it might not look nice if nothing is spoken about the deceased husband a reference is made  to the effect that there is no time for grieving.

    Strange Logic.

    I am yet to know that you need a separate time allocated and available for grieving.

    Me. I lost my wife and Me 38 years ago and I have not slept normally at all for all these years , not withstanding that I have grand children.

    I do not remember my wife for what she had done for me or what she would be doing for me if were alive to-day, but the pain of having been separated…well… one has to feel it to understand it.

    I am called most unemotional by my children and one with a cold heart.

    Be it as may,

    I know there are issues to be tackled, especially economic.

    And Life Goes On.

    Yet to focus only on the economic aspects to the exclusion of the pangs of separation?

    I do not know.

    May I am a fool.

    People who are dead and gone will not return.

    I know.

    But this attitude?

    Is this all Marriage and bonding  all about and is this about Valentine’s’ day?

    May be this is practical way of Living?!

    May be.

    What I do know is that even animals forsake their food,especially Monkeys and Elephants , in some cases,die,if they lose their mate.

    Are we so advanced not to react humanely?

    Have become so obsessed with money to be sanitized from normal human emotions?

    Is this Life?

    Again I do not know.

    I am old-fashioned.

    I do not know how to say ‘I Love You’

    Nor can I bring myself to say ‘I can not Live with out you’

    That’s all I can Say on this story.

    For those who know Tamil.

    வீடு வரை உறவு  வீதி வரை மனைவி …

    ‘ “கொண்டு வந்தால் தந்தை; கொண்டு வந்தாலும் வராவிட்டாலும் தாய், சீர் கொண்டு வந்தால் சகோதரி, கொலையும் செய்வாள் பத்தினி, உயிர் காப்பான் தோழன்” -தூக்கு தூக்கி ‘

    பணத்தின் மீதுதான் பக்தி என்றபின் பந்த பாசமே  ஏனடா -கண்ணதாசன்  – பழனி

    Grieving for the Wife.
    Grieving for the Wife.

    Story:

    “Few things I learnt after my husband’s death:-
    We always believe we will live forever. Bad things always happen to others.
    Only when things hit us bang on your head you realise… Life is so unpredictable….
    My husband was an IT guy.All Technical. And I am a chartered accountant.

    Awesome combination you may think.
    Techie guy so everything is on his laptop.His to do  list.

    His e-bill and his bank statements in his email. He even maintained a folder which said IMPWDS wherein he stored all log in id and passwords for all his online accounts.

    And even his laptop had a password.

    Techie guy so all the passwords were alpha-numeric with a special character not an easy one to crack.

    Office policy said passwords needed to be changed every 30 days.

    So every time I accessed his laptop I would realize it’s a new password again.

    I would simply opt for asking him ‘What’s the latest password’ instead of taking the strain to memorize it.
    You may think me being a Chartered Accountant would means everything is documented and filed properly.

    Alas! many of my chartered accountant friends would agree that the precision we follow with our office documents and papers do not flow in to day to-day home life. At office you have been the epitome of Reliability / Competent / Diligent etc but.

    At home front there is always a tomorrow.
    One fine morning my hubby expired in a bike accident on his way home from office.

    He was just 33.

    His laptop with all his data crashed.everything on his hard disk wiped off.No folder of IMPWDS to refer back to

    .His mobile with all the numbers on it was smashed.But that was just the beginning.

    I realised I had a lot to learn.
    9 years married to one of the best human beings.with no kids.just the two of us to fall back on.but now I stood all alone and lost.
    Being chartered accountant helped in more ways than one but it was not enough.

    I needed help.His saving bank accounts, his salary bank accounts had no nominee

    .On his insurance his mom was the nominee and it was almost 2 years back she had expired. But this was just a start.

    I didn’t know the password to his email account where all his e-bill came.

    I didn’t know which expenses he paid by standing instructions.
    His office front too was not easy. His department had changed recently.I didn’t know his reporting boss name to start with.when had he last claimed his shift allowance, his mobile reimbursement.
    The house we bought with all the excitement on a loan thought with our joint salary we could afford the EMI.

    When the home loans guys suggested insurance on the loan.we decided the instead of paying the premium the difference in the EMI on account of the insurance could be used pay towards prepayment of the loan and get the tenure down.

    We never thought what we would do if we have to live on a single salary.So now there was huge EMI to look into .
    I realised I was in for a long haul.
    Road accident case.

    So everywhere I needed a Death certificate, FIR report, Post Mortem report.

    For everything there were forms running into pages.indemnity bonds.notary.surety to stand up for you.

    No objections certificates from your co-heirs.
    I learnt other than your house, your land,

    Your car, your bike are also your property.

    So what if you are the joint owner of the flat.you don’t become the owner just because your hubby is no more.

    So what if your hubby expired in the bike accident and you are the nominee but if the bike is in a repairable condition .you have to get the bike transferred in your name to claim the insurance.

    And that was again not easy.

    The bike or car cannot be transferred in your name without going through a set of legal documents.

    Getting a Succession Certificate is another battle all together.
    Then came the time you realise now you have to start changing all the bills, assets in your name.

    Your gas connection, electricity meter, your own house, your car, your investments and all sundries.

    And then change all the nominations where your own investments are concerned.

    And again a start of a new set of paperwork.
    To say I was shaken.my whole life had just turned upside down was an understatement.

    You realise you don’t have time to mourn and grieve for the person with whom you spend the best years of your life

    . Because you are busy sorting all the paper work.
    I realised then how much I took life for granted

    .I thought being a chartered accountant I am undergoing so many difficulties.what would have happened to someone who was house maker who wouldn’t understand this legal hotchpotch.
    A sweet friend then told me dear this was not an end.you have no kids.your assets will be for all who stand to claim.after my hubby’s sudden death.I realised it was time I took life more seriously.

    I now needed to make a Will.

    I would have laughed if a few months back if he had asked me to make one

     

    .But now life had taken a twist.
    Lessons learnt this hard way were meant to be shared.

    After all why should the people whom we love the most suffer after we are no more.

    Sorting some paperwork before we go will at least ease some of their grief.
    1. Check all your nominations…
    It’s a usual practice to put a name (i.e in the first place if you have mentioned it) and royally forget about it. Most of us have named our parent as a nominee for investments, bank accounts opened before marriage. We have not changed the same even years after they are no longer there with us. Even your salary account usually has no nomination.. Kindly check all your Nominations.
    – Bank Accounts
    – Fixed Deposits, NSC
    – Bank Lockers
    – Demat Accounts
    – Insurance (Life, Bike or Car or Property)
    – Investments
    – PF Pension Forms
    2. Passwords..
    We have passwords for practically everything. Email accounts, Bank accounts, even for the laptop you use. What happens when your next in kin cannot access any of these simply because they do not know your password… Put it down on a paper.
    3. Investments.
    Every year for tax purpose we do investments. Do we maintain an excel sheet about it. If so is it on the same laptop of which the password you had not shared. Where are those physical investments hard copy.
    4. Will.
    Make a Will. I know you will smile even I would.had I not gone through all what I did.It would have made my life lot easier.a lot less paperwork.I wouldn’t had to provide an indemnity bond, get it notarised, ask surety to stand up, no objections certificates from others…
    5. Liabilities.
    When you take a loan say for your house or car.Check out on all the what ifs.what if I am not there tomorrow.what if I lose my job.Will the EMI still be within my range.If not get an insurance on the loan.The people left will not have to worry on something as basic as their own house.
    My battles have just begun…But let us at least try to make few changes so that our loved ones would not suffer after we go.We do not know what will happen in the future.

    But as the Scout motto goes: “Be prepared ”