Choices And Life

I studied in a premier college with dual scholarship as I could not afford Higher studies.

I was very active in the Students’ Union and was responsible for three strikes in that premier Institution.

The causes were just, the authorities knew it, though could not admit it openly.

I finished my degree as the first rank holder in the University in major(Philosophy,Psychology and Sociology), only first class in The University in the language(Tamil),and one of the seven second class students who scored in English.

Though the college authorities knew I had created problems, the Chief of the group called me and asked me to continue MA , financial help for boarding, lodging and fees  will be taken care of by them, I could not, because my family circumstances warranted that I take up a job.

Hence I had to refuse the offer despite their assurance that they will provide me with a job in the college as a Lecturer(Mind you the salary was good for the post in those days) because I could not  wait for two more years to earn.

I took up a job, went out of the city, fell in love for over three years with my friend‘s( who was around 48 years) daughter.

As much I wanted to marry her, I did not ask her father.

in my view to marry one;s friend’s daughter was a betrayal of Trust!

I got married and me my friend with my wife.

His daughter along with him extended hospitality.

As we were returning Home, my wife told me that she saw Love in my friend’s daughter’s eyes and asked me what the matter was.

I explained her and she admonished me for not having married her and felt sorry for me too!

(My friend’s daughter , in a fit of anger and desperation to get even with me got married of her own to a non worthy who tortured her and she got a divorce.)

My wife, whom I loved and love still died in child birth.

I went off my mind for a couple of months, got remarried , begotten grand children.

I had choices, at all times,

to opt for higher study and a sinecure job.

to marry the one whom I loved,

to remain unmarried after my beloved wife’s death,

I did not choose any of these options.

On hind sight I wish I could have taken them.

The cost?

I do not know.

But what forced me to choose one in place of another, may be circumstances, but still?

I had chosen what I thought I liked.

In retrospect, I find it could have been otherwise.

May be after couple of years  or even a days later I might find my present choice mentioned here are incorrect!

So a decision is made by one with out his control, though it appears to be voluntary.

Choice is really determined, if you look at it this way.

So decisions are made for me and I am under the illusion that I am choosing them!

True, I feel the pain at all times, I am Human.

But what is Life with out this!