There are volumes and volumes written on relationships these days.
Many might think I am old fashioned, might be true, but we have taken to relationships naturally.
It was not deliberate.
We had, at least I have, two levels.
One is family, friends and those who are close, the last mentioned need not be relatives, in fact it is not..
The others are, well, just others.
With the first category, I do not think before I interact and express myself spontaneously without thinking or second guessing what the reaction or reply would be.
No doubt, this leads to arguments especially in the family.
But I do not carry it forward for the next second and I resume my talk after a heated exchange normally.
In my opinion, you let your hair down and be natural with whom you love.
There is no necessity of being deliberate or planning while interacting with them.
That is what family is all about.
Over thinking about relationships and communication skills, in my opinion, stunts the warmth of the relationship, though the words might be not too soft.
The deliberation involved in communication between family members and close friends spoils the Bond and people become strangers.
In my view that is not relationship.
We are natural and outspoken with whom we love and the love is felt, not known.
That’s it.
Yet how far relationship can go?
When you die,
Relatives upto to your Home,
Your wife is upto to the end of the street where you live,
(Indian custom),
Your son(who is expected to perform your last Rites), is upto the Crematorium, Grave.
But the effects, results of your actions, Karma will be with you far beyond.
This was beautifully expressed in a Tamil film song penned by the great poet Kannadasan.
‘வீடு வரை உறவு,
வீதி வரை மனைவி,
காடு வரை பிள்ளை,
கடைசி வரை யாரோ,
I have provided the meaning, after the line
‘ when you die’
in the beginning of this article.
Kannadasan ends the line as ‘who shall be till the Last’
This thought is from Pattinathar a Yogi from Tamil Nadu who composed quite a few of the most profound Poems on Life, Shiva and Bhakti.
I am providing the lunes from Pattinathar below.
Pattinathar concludes as Results of actions, benevolent and not benevolent, Paap and Punya shall follow you till the last.
அந்தமும் வாழ்வும் அகத்து மட்டேவிழி அம்பொழுக மெத்திய மாதரும் வீதி மட்டே
விம்மி விம்மி இரு கை தலை மேல் வைத்து அழும் மைந்தரும் சுடுகாடு மட்டே
பற்றித் தொடரும் இரு வினை புண்ணியம் பாவமுமே.
andhamum vAzhvum agathu matte
On reflection I find some thing in Life to be curious and puzzling.
Recently I went to meet two class mates of mine who studied with me from class 1 to SSLC (+2 Now)
One is a Man and another is a lady.
Fading Memories.
He studied with me till I we completed the SSLC and she studied with us till Fourth standard.
Later she went Girls’ section in our school.
Those who are in touch with school friends, especially with whom they have bonded from early childhood will know the special bond with them despite time and distance, when they meet with.
Of course we have been in touch with each other for the past six years in Bangalore.
There was a heated argument between my friends as to till which class we studied together.
She declared that we studied together till 4 standard and my other friend claimed that we did not study in the same class/section at all.
The argument heated up and my friend’s’ husband joined the discussion and confirmed we studied together in the same class till fourth standard.
He also studied in the same school and three years senior to us.
They wanted me to mediate as I am reputed to have a good memory.
I told them,
” I can remember that we studied together till 4 class and boys were shifted to another section.
The confusing thing is that I remember my friend’s (woman in discussion) face and another girl, whose face I can not recollect(?), but know she was good-looking(!)”
This post is not about what went on with us friends on this issue.
But what happens to us and our Life’s experiences over a period of time.
I remember some one to be pretty without recollecting her face( my friend gave her name).
Similarly I remember some of the most painful moments in my Life like my mother’s death, first wife’s death,death of my brother’s grand child in its mother’s hand, which I took away from her hands to prevent my brother’s daughter feeling sad about the fact the child had died in her hands;
I recall my most pleasant moments in my career but not the worst problems.
Even the pain I recall has dimmed but at times I am overtaken by it.
But one thing is clear.
My reaction to these issues, now, is not very passionate .
They pass through my mind’s eye as fleeting images.
I am not affected by them.
What is an incident becomes an experience when we react.
We become passionate, disturbed,anxious and worry so much as if Life would end there.
It does not seem to be so.
What has been an experience becomes nothing more than a fading memory.
I do not get involved, though some of these incidents appeared ,at that time, to affect my life radically.
On hindsight it does not seem so mentally.
Another curious fact is that most insignificant things get recalled but not what I thought was very important.
Like a game played on the street in childhood, a meal with a stranger in a Train, the hotel where I stayed in a town…..
Is Life all but a series of fleeting impressions?
Seems so, to me.
I shall be posing on what Hinduism and Buddhism say on this at the philosophical level.
My father worked in Bodinayakkanur, Tamil Nadu,as a Teacher before he settled down in Srivilliputhur.
He served as a Teacher for 35 years.
He had a student, Habib, who was a Devout Muslim at Bodinayakkanur.
After quite a few years he received a message from Habib that he had become a DEO, District Educational Officer and he would be visiting the school where my father was working,Srivilliputhur.
DEOs visit schools to inspect them and as such,schools, especially aided schools are very vigilant and accord all respects to the DEO when he is on Inspection tour.
He had informed my mother, not my father, through a messenger , that it had been long since he ate my mother’s food, he would like Ragi Dosa every night and he would be sending a boy to pick it up daily during his stay at the Traveler’s Bungalow.
After completing the inspection, he sat with the Headmaster of the school , informed him that he was satisfied with his inspection and he would be leaving.
The Headmaster who knew the relationship of the DEO with my father asked hm whether he had visited my Fathers Class.
He is reported to have replied that he could not visit his teachers class and he(Habib) was an example of what a Teacher could do a poor student.
Till his untimely demise, he used to come to our Home at least once a year and pay his respect to my father!
I was in Bangalore with three of my friend and we were staying together for about six years.
I had/have a friend Syed Siddique.
He might even forget the dates of Ramzan and Bakrid, but very sure about Amavasya!
He was very much attached to my parents.
He used to go to my mother in kitchen and demand food/special dishes and she would oblige him.
My father had a stroke and was admitted to a Hospital.
Siddique came till the Hospital and refused to come inside the room saying he could not bear the sight of my father lying sick.
My father expired the next day.
Siddique was nowhere to be found.
While we were preparing the body for funeral.
He came, inebriated, crying , demanding that he be allowed to carry my father’s body to the cremation ground.
The priests objected to this, him being a Muslim.
My eldest brother said that Siddique was more attached to our father than us and my father reciprocated that.
Siddique carried the body.
He vowed that he would not eat non vegetarian food and sop drinking till the thirteenth day ceremony and he stuck to it,
When I lost my first wife he was one of the few who was by side leaving his family commitments and consoled me.
Even after 40 years, I can not forget his affection .
I am still searching for him for we went our ways because of our profession.
He is a native of Chozhachakkaranallur,near Myiladuthurai, en route to Vaitheeswara Koil.
I have tried to locate him, in vain.
If some one, his children, grand children happen to read this remind ‘Swamigal’, that’s how I used to call him because of his knowledge of Hinduism, or Vellai Iyer is searching for him.
I came across an article on this and noticed this discussion in some forums.
Spouse is the Best Friend?
It is often assumed that you can share everything with your friend without any reservation.
Fact is that the one whom you can share without reservations is your best friend and not the other way.
When you share something with some one you should not be apprehensive about the fall out or the consequences of divulging such information.
One has to be wary of the fact that it might change their attitude and behavior towards you.
The one whom you share might have their own agenda.
This is likely to complicate relations with them further because you are not sure whether their advice or opinions are colored and biased in their favor.
In general, it is not practical to share everything with relatives, wife/husband included for the reasons mentioned above.
In the case of a friend it is different for they have no axes to grind nor are they interested in using your information or in some cases,You!
It is often thought one is expected to share everything with those whom they Love.
Incorrect.
Unselfish, Altruistic Love is Utopian, not practical.
In any relationship there is always an element of expectation.
Moreover one loves some one for certain qualities and not for all the qualities one possesses.
Therefore ,their perceptions need not concur with others and they never will.
So the question of sharing is fraught with complication with relatives.
But as I said earlier it is not so with friends.
The problem is that such friends are rare to come by.
I am fortunate to have such a friend(read my post on Friendship)
Coming to the issue of sharing with Spouse,it is very dicey and often leads to complications.
This does not mean you do not love.
The conception that Love is complete only when you share, in my opinion, is childish.
Love is about caring, that’s all.
This requires a more healthy and mature Attitude than sharing.
Yet the question of sharing between Man and Woman always, though unspoken, has sexual implications.
Platonic Love is for Plato_Did he have a happy married Life?
Some references and discussions.
*There are exceptions,
”
For most people, their spouse is the person they see the most on any given day. From the moment they wake up in the morning to the moment they go to sleep at night, it’s their spouse who hears all of their thoughts and ideas, who listens to their observations on the day, and who does it all over again the next. But does that make their spouse their best friend?
The other night over dinner, this question came up with some girlfriends of mine. They are lucky enough to have the lifelong friends some of us can only dream about. Friends who have known them since they were 4, nursed them through high school breakups and junior high drama. Friends who know their family dynamics better than their cousins and stood beside them at their wedding, tearing up and smiling for the camera.
So who is our “best friend”? For me, it’s my husband. Hands down. I have other people I adore and feel close to, but no one knows my innermost everything like my husband. Then again, I am lucky in that I have known him since I was 10 and he DID know my family … So maybe it’s different if you meet in your late 20s or 30s.
We asked around and polled 14 women to ask their opinions and got a varied amount of amazing responses. Here are some:
1.) “When asked who my BFF is, I never think to respond my husband, but if I think about what one means, then yes, he is. That said, he’s NOT my favorite person to do everything with, and there are some things I’d rather do/issues I’d rather discuss with my BFF than him.”
2.) “No one knows me like the friend I grew up with. She was my neighbor, she knew my parents when they were alive and she knew them well. I love my husband, but no one could ever know me like her.”
3.) “I’m closer with him than anyone, feel most comfortable around him, have so much fun with him, and know I can count on him more than anyone else. However, that said, there are some things he just doesn’t get that my girl ‘best friend’ does — especially when it comes to being a mom and how much we put into it!”
4.) “My husband is my best friend. As for why — he’s funny, he’s good company, he likes many of the same things I do, and he’s been my partner through thick and thin for over 13 years.”
5.) “Yes, he is. We went into this as best friends, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have other best friends, but he’s number one.”
6.) “Without a doubt, my husband is my best friend. Still, I’m proud to have several other friends that are very close behind. But we don’t have sex so …?”
7.) “I have a best friend that isn’t my husband. Obviously, my husband and I know each other like only we could know. We support one another emotionally, we have great conversations and so much fun together. We are raising kids and sharing a house together and I couldn’t imagine doing it with another human being, but my best friend is someone who I have known forever, we have shared more with each other than any other. Both experiences and secrets. We have shared hilarious times, sad times, great times, and horrendous times together and I honestly would not be where I am today without her love, advice, and guidance.”
8.) “My husband and I are probably totally co-dependent in that we do everything together (even grocery shop). He is my foil, the shoulder I can lean on when I am down, and the person who has my back all the time. Sometimes I feel bad for not having that one woman who is my soul sister BFF, but then I think about my marriage and how LUCKY we are. I am so thankful that I have this man I want to talk to all night and rip off his clothes at the same time. Even after a decade of marriage. So yeah, he’s my best friend with a million benefits, to boot.”
I think declaring that your husband is your best friend is very trendy these days. With that said, I am sure many of you consider your husband to be your best friend. However when I married 43 years ago I loved and still love my husband dearly. However, he is NOT my best friend. Why ? Because who do you talk to when your husband pisses you off ? Not him….its your best friend, who in my case happens to be a girl who understands me so much better than my husband.
A couple of years back, when I was living in Chennai, ,one day, I was asked by my son why I was not even calling my friend for 41 years at Bangalore either through the net or by telephone.
I replied to him that I did not know and it did not simply strike me to call him!
Then, a couple of years later we moved to Bangalore where my friend lives.
I called him and we met and my son was also present.
My son asked my friend the same question he asked me as to why my friend did not contact me .
My friend replied that it did not strike him!
Later we went on talking.
My son asked in between the conversation that we were talking as though we had left the last night’s discussion and continued the discussion though we had met in person some years back.
Our relationship is as natural as the flow of River.
Other curious factor in our Friendship is that he can not speak my mother tongue fluently nor can I his.
We manage with English and with our limited Knowledge of each other’s language.
Professionally he is a business man and I, a management professional.
I met him as the brother of my Dealer, way back in 1971 and initially we were reluctant to speak with each other.
Till to-day neither of us know when we started getting close.
Meanwhile his brother through him I met my friend , remains at the state of my former dealer and commands my respect and nothing more though he is a very nice and knowledgeable man.
We share things which we can not share with none, that includes family.
There are many instances where he came to my help unasked for.
He gave me a hand written note on the eve of my 60th Birth day declaring that I had made him laugh, advised him in times of crisis and shared things with him and given him things !
Yesterday was his 60th birth day and I attended it and I was treated more than a member of his family.
I do not know what to call this?
Friendship,Affection,Love?
By normal standard definitions of the above, we do not chat or express our friendship overtly.
If it is affection , one constantly seeks reassurances .
If Love it has its Highs and Lows.
Ours is neither.
I wanted to write on our friendship after attending his function.
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