There are volumes and volumes written on relationships these days.
Many might think I am old fashioned, might be true, but we have taken to relationships naturally.
It was not deliberate.
We had, at least I have, two levels.
One is family, friends and those who are close, the last mentioned need not be relatives, in fact it is not..
The others are, well, just others.
With the first category, I do not think before I interact and express myself spontaneously without thinking or second guessing what the reaction or reply would be.
No doubt, this leads to arguments especially in the family.
But I do not carry it forward for the next second and I resume my talk after a heated exchange normally.
In my opinion, you let your hair down and be natural with whom you love.
There is no necessity of being deliberate or planning while interacting with them.
That is what family is all about.
Over thinking about relationships and communication skills, in my opinion, stunts the warmth of the relationship, though the words might be not too soft.
The deliberation involved in communication between family members and close friends spoils the Bond and people become strangers.
In my view that is not relationship.
We are natural and outspoken with whom we love and the love is felt, not known.
That’s it.
Yet how far relationship can go?
When you die,
Relatives upto to your Home,
Your wife is upto to the end of the street where you live,
(Indian custom),
Your son(who is expected to perform your last Rites), is upto the Crematorium, Grave.
But the effects, results of your actions, Karma will be with you far beyond.
This was beautifully expressed in a Tamil film song penned by the great poet Kannadasan.
‘வீடு வரை உறவு,
வீதி வரை மனைவி,
காடு வரை பிள்ளை,
கடைசி வரை யாரோ,
I have provided the meaning, after the line
‘ when you die’
in the beginning of this article.
Kannadasan ends the line as ‘who shall be till the Last’
This thought is from Pattinathar a Yogi from Tamil Nadu who composed quite a few of the most profound Poems on Life, Shiva and Bhakti.
I am providing the lunes from Pattinathar below.
Pattinathar concludes as Results of actions, benevolent and not benevolent, Paap and Punya shall follow you till the last.
அந்தமும் வாழ்வும் அகத்து மட்டேவிழி அம்பொழுக மெத்திய மாதரும் வீதி மட்டே
விம்மி விம்மி இரு கை தலை மேல் வைத்து அழும் மைந்தரும் சுடுகாடு மட்டே
பற்றித் தொடரும் இரு வினை புண்ணியம் பாவமுமே.
andhamum vAzhvum agathu matte
I received an email from WordPress informing me of a WordPress.com site becoming viral, with over 26 Million views ans the site had even crashed unable to handle such a heavy traffic.
This is the message.
“On November 2, 2013, Seth Smith hit publish on an article entitled Marriage Isn’t For You. Within a few hours, his self-hosted WordPress site couldn’t handle the tens of thousands of visitors reading the post. He moved his article and then his entire site over to WordPress.com, where the WordPress.com team did some additional tweaks to keep his site up and ready for the ten million visitors who would end up visiting his site in a single day. The article has since received 26 million total views. We talked to Seth about going viral on WordPress.com.”
I read the post, found it interesting.
The gist is that Love is not about what you get when you love some one,
It is the happiness that you bring or impart to that person.
I came across an article on this and noticed this discussion in some forums.
Spouse is the Best Friend?
It is often assumed that you can share everything with your friend without any reservation.
Fact is that the one whom you can share without reservations is your best friend and not the other way.
When you share something with some one you should not be apprehensive about the fall out or the consequences of divulging such information.
One has to be wary of the fact that it might change their attitude and behavior towards you.
The one whom you share might have their own agenda.
This is likely to complicate relations with them further because you are not sure whether their advice or opinions are colored and biased in their favor.
In general, it is not practical to share everything with relatives, wife/husband included for the reasons mentioned above.
In the case of a friend it is different for they have no axes to grind nor are they interested in using your information or in some cases,You!
It is often thought one is expected to share everything with those whom they Love.
Incorrect.
Unselfish, Altruistic Love is Utopian, not practical.
In any relationship there is always an element of expectation.
Moreover one loves some one for certain qualities and not for all the qualities one possesses.
Therefore ,their perceptions need not concur with others and they never will.
So the question of sharing is fraught with complication with relatives.
But as I said earlier it is not so with friends.
The problem is that such friends are rare to come by.
I am fortunate to have such a friend(read my post on Friendship)
Coming to the issue of sharing with Spouse,it is very dicey and often leads to complications.
This does not mean you do not love.
The conception that Love is complete only when you share, in my opinion, is childish.
Love is about caring, that’s all.
This requires a more healthy and mature Attitude than sharing.
Yet the question of sharing between Man and Woman always, though unspoken, has sexual implications.
Platonic Love is for Plato_Did he have a happy married Life?
Some references and discussions.
*There are exceptions,
”
For most people, their spouse is the person they see the most on any given day. From the moment they wake up in the morning to the moment they go to sleep at night, it’s their spouse who hears all of their thoughts and ideas, who listens to their observations on the day, and who does it all over again the next. But does that make their spouse their best friend?
The other night over dinner, this question came up with some girlfriends of mine. They are lucky enough to have the lifelong friends some of us can only dream about. Friends who have known them since they were 4, nursed them through high school breakups and junior high drama. Friends who know their family dynamics better than their cousins and stood beside them at their wedding, tearing up and smiling for the camera.
So who is our “best friend”? For me, it’s my husband. Hands down. I have other people I adore and feel close to, but no one knows my innermost everything like my husband. Then again, I am lucky in that I have known him since I was 10 and he DID know my family … So maybe it’s different if you meet in your late 20s or 30s.
We asked around and polled 14 women to ask their opinions and got a varied amount of amazing responses. Here are some:
1.) “When asked who my BFF is, I never think to respond my husband, but if I think about what one means, then yes, he is. That said, he’s NOT my favorite person to do everything with, and there are some things I’d rather do/issues I’d rather discuss with my BFF than him.”
2.) “No one knows me like the friend I grew up with. She was my neighbor, she knew my parents when they were alive and she knew them well. I love my husband, but no one could ever know me like her.”
3.) “I’m closer with him than anyone, feel most comfortable around him, have so much fun with him, and know I can count on him more than anyone else. However, that said, there are some things he just doesn’t get that my girl ‘best friend’ does — especially when it comes to being a mom and how much we put into it!”
4.) “My husband is my best friend. As for why — he’s funny, he’s good company, he likes many of the same things I do, and he’s been my partner through thick and thin for over 13 years.”
5.) “Yes, he is. We went into this as best friends, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have other best friends, but he’s number one.”
6.) “Without a doubt, my husband is my best friend. Still, I’m proud to have several other friends that are very close behind. But we don’t have sex so …?”
7.) “I have a best friend that isn’t my husband. Obviously, my husband and I know each other like only we could know. We support one another emotionally, we have great conversations and so much fun together. We are raising kids and sharing a house together and I couldn’t imagine doing it with another human being, but my best friend is someone who I have known forever, we have shared more with each other than any other. Both experiences and secrets. We have shared hilarious times, sad times, great times, and horrendous times together and I honestly would not be where I am today without her love, advice, and guidance.”
8.) “My husband and I are probably totally co-dependent in that we do everything together (even grocery shop). He is my foil, the shoulder I can lean on when I am down, and the person who has my back all the time. Sometimes I feel bad for not having that one woman who is my soul sister BFF, but then I think about my marriage and how LUCKY we are. I am so thankful that I have this man I want to talk to all night and rip off his clothes at the same time. Even after a decade of marriage. So yeah, he’s my best friend with a million benefits, to boot.”
I think declaring that your husband is your best friend is very trendy these days. With that said, I am sure many of you consider your husband to be your best friend. However when I married 43 years ago I loved and still love my husband dearly. However, he is NOT my best friend. Why ? Because who do you talk to when your husband pisses you off ? Not him….its your best friend, who in my case happens to be a girl who understands me so much better than my husband.
Ammi Midithal Ammi Midithal The groom touches the feet of the bride and lifts her right foot gently and places it on the Ammi(grinding stone). This signifies her hope that their union may be as firm and steadfast as the grinding stone.
Women , not all of them but the self-styled feminists, would like one to believe that they are being discriminated by Men,want Equal Rights with Men.
They also say that they are not weak , can do what a Man could do.
In the same breath they expect Men to be chivalrous and give, as a courtesy(!?), to give priority to women in Public, say like allowing them the first right of passage,special seats for them in Trains buses, special timing and excuses for leave in the work place.
To me if you want to be equal to Men , you should expect to be treated like men.
The Cabinet has given the nod for the following proposals.
“A wife will have a share in her husband’s inherited or inheritable marital property on divorce, though the exact quantum of the compensation has been left to the discretion of the judge, according to a legislation that was cleared by the Union Cabinet on Wednesday.
The Cabinet also cleared the proposal that in cases where divorce has been sought on mutual consent of both parties the judiciary has been given the discretion to grant divorce to one party after a period of three years, even if the man and the wife are no longer on the same page. These were part of the recommendations of the GoM on Marriage Laws Amendment Bill which will now be amended suitably before being brought to Parliament during the monsoon session, beginning August 5.
By not quantifying the amount of compensation the government has moderated its earlier proposal to give a wife “equal” share in marital property. The ministers felt that a judge could decide on the quantum of compensation after taking into account an entire set of considerations such as the disposable income of both husband and wife, conditions like who will bear the primary responsibility of raising the children and claimants on the “inheritable property.”
If you do not want to live with a Man, why do you want his property?
Relationship is about understanding and compromising one with the other.
If you want to end it, it should be with lock, stock and barrel, not what is convenient,.
While cases about Men walking out of relationships, Marriages, is widely reported, women indulging in this, never gets reported for the man considers that it is an insult to divulge it and Dog bites Man is not News.
I know a case, where a woman deliberately pretended to love a Boy , got married, drugged him with the help of her mother for three years and tried to get his property worth one crore and finally settled for 30 lakhs!..
If in a relationship, if either wants any thing more than the Relationship, other than Love, Care and Affection, in my dictionary it is, sorry for using this, Prostitution.
(Desertion , if proved, is a different matter and has to be strictly dealt with by Punishment and Compensation, this applies to both sex).
The other proposal of granting divorce after three years, even if one party is not willing or has a change of mind, Divorce is to be granted.
Then why do you have family Courts for Divorces, simply follow ‘Talaq,talaq, talaq’ and be done with it.
However I am not against Divorces if either the husband or wife is unfaithful , neglectful of the other and embark on cruelty.
This point is common to bth sex.
There is a mistaken impression that there is no cruelty being practiced by Women.
It is erroneous.
It exists more than one thinks.
Men do not admit it.
One of my friend used say that many Men in India go through married Life, because they feel it is their duty to go through it,let me suffer silently.
In India if men were to go for Divorce for reasons like cruelty by wives,well, about 80% of Marriages would have broken long ago.
I expect comments like Male Chauvinist Pig‘ ‘Sucking Pig, a Muslim(!?), who brings dishonor to Islam!
These comments are real and were approved and published in my site.
* I am not a Divorcee, am happily married with Grand children..
To me family is the most important institution one has to respect and men have the responsibility of taking car of it, including wife.
Marriage is not a walkers Association to walk away when you feel like it.
Wife has to be respected, listened when it is worth not otherwise, to me no compromises just to please, what is in the best interests of the family, will be done.
There is a Sanskrit slaoka which says,
‘Listen to women and children int the Family, take decisions in the interest of the family’
‘Do not discuss economic difficulties with Children, Wife and Gussets, they can not understand, you carry the burden”
I find this to be practical.
The issue of accepting money from your wife,.
You take Financial assistance from your wife for the family.
You had it, you would be reminded and insulted to the end of your Life.
There are other communities which are more closely knit than the Brahmins, say, the Nattukkottai Nagarathar Community.
As I am a Brahmin by birth, a proud one for being so,I deem it fit to record some unpleasant facts, especially regarding marriages, in our Community.
Some of my observations are likely to hurt but some one has to say them.
I am aware that I will be criticized very severely, for no body is a biter critic of a Brahmin than a fellow Brahmin, much in the same way as the Jews,
I searched for an alliance for my son for over three and half years before I got him married.
I had utilized all avenues from the traditional circulation of Horoscopes to registering in Matrimonial Sites,
There is a tendency among most of the parents, whose daughter’s are employed, and more so if they have only one daughter:
That of postponing the marriage of their daughters as long as possible.
The reasons they cite are,,
The girl does not want to marry now,
She needs to be independent for some time, earning well to enable her to stand on her feet,
The arguments are fallacious.
No Girl or Boy will come to their parents and declare that they want to marry and ask them to look for a suitable spouse.
They would be coy in admitting the fact that it is time for them to get married.
I am excluding those children who come and declare that they are in love with some one(normally with one from another caste: even this I attribute to the fact of parents delaying the marriage on one pretext or another.
As parents it is our responsibility to advise them the advantages of getting married at an early age, the reasons being,
a ) If you are looking for the Best looking woman or Man, remember that the opposite side also does the same and each has the privilege of rejecting.
b) You do not get any younger and it would be tougher to get a match as time marches on.
And taking children’s views of not wanting to get married has few serious consequences for parents as well.
I know of a couple of cases, where the parents have stopped looking for alliances because their children said so.
These parents, they are my close friends,took their children’s views seriously and stopped looking for a match.
Now the boys are past 35.
They have stopped speaking with their parents thought they stay in the same house and are alright in all other respects.
As i can closely mingle with the younger set as a friend, this is with my own children as well, I understood from them that they are cross that their parents have not finalised their marriages!
They are sore that their parents have taken their views seriously!
Now I am looking for alliances for them along with their parents.
Lesson- go about alliances notwithstanding your children’s objections and record them.
If they refuse, show them the records , that would keep them on their toes.
Another repulsive habit of parents of brides insisting that thee Bride groom must be in the city were the girls’ parents live!
The girls might agree to it for the time being , would regret later when they find they remain unmarried for long.
Children have their lives to led, be it a Boy or Girl.
Another obnoxious habit is that some parents are reluctant to get their daughters married because they will lose their daughter’s salary!
This is a fact and I have , in two instances told the parents of the Girls if they want only money they should not have begotten children!
I may point out a curious fact.
Please check Tamil matrimony marriage site, find out how many girls’ profile have been uploaded by the Girls themselves/their friends as against the profiles uploaded by Parents.
You will find personal/friends uploads will be in the age group of over 27.
The reason is parents keep on refusing Alliances on some spurious ground or another and at the age of 27 or 28 the girl starts taking her life into their hands.
Avoid this and remember delaying the marriage of a Girl is a very serious Sin , Kanya Paapam that would affect your family for generations, not with standing Sumangali Prarthnais.
Another issue is refusing sub sect marriages.
Sub-sects are based on Geographical locations where the ancestors have lived, like Mythili Brahmins hailed from Mithila, Vadamas in Tamil Nadu were from the North of the River Cauvery.
Some times Brahmin sub-sects are derived from the duties they were adept at. Adigas in Cooking, Vaathimaas in Purohitam,Vajpayees,Somayajees in performing a particular. yaga or yagnya
Among Brahmins there is no division of States or Languages either.
We follow the Vedas, period.No differences.
Let me narrate an incident when I visited Sringeri and had performed Biksha Vandana for His Holiness Sri Bharathi Theertha Swamigal of The Sringeri Mutt.
As me and my wife neared the Acharya, the man who normally stands by his side asked me,
‘neevu kannadadhvara, Are you from Karnataka?’
I replied,
‘I am Brahmin’
The Acharya heard this and asked me to explain .
I said,
‘ I am a Brahmin by birth, not by Knowledge, but still a Brahmin for my ancestors have been good Brahmins .
My Mother tongue is Tamil,
As a Brahmin my father tongue is Sanskrit.
Therefore, it does not matter for a Brahmin which State he belongs to because He is a Brahmin”
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