There comes a stage when the parents start complaining to their children about each other, instead of children complaining about siblings.
Either the wife or the husband complains to the daughter or son.
This happens when the parents cross fifty and children start earning or get married,whether the son stays with the parents or not.
Children’s complaints.
Recently I had a call on this from a son, settled abroad,on this.
He was worried about this.
Each of the parents have complained about the other.
The Boy wanted to solve the issue
The Boy is over 35 and the parents in their sixties.
He told me he wanted to talk to them separately and set the things right.
He sought my advise.
My answer was to do nothing of the sort.
Any marital relationship is bound have disagreements.
One is dissatisfied with the other.
Matured ones know to leave the disagreements and proceed as if nothing has happened, provided the grouse is not about genuine harassment or involving adultery.
But as one grows old,th children grown up, the parents seek solace in their children.
They do not wish to let their affairs known to outside the family.
They need an out let to share their feelings.
That’s all and nothing more even though they may not admit it.
Talking to grown up children who are understanding enough reduces tension and gives a feeling that there is someone who listens to problems sympathetically and consoles.
What the children need to do is to listen to the issue or complaints as one would to a close friend and emphasize with them, with out making an adverse comment about the other parent.
Talk to them,console them and assure them that you shall talk to the other party and resolve.
But do not talk to the other party on this.
This approach, I have seen, has helped a lot of people.
These things shall pass in Life.
Most of the complications in Life arise out of the mistaken notion that all problems can be solved by active participation.
And undue importance given to regular natural incidents.
One should be mature enough to understand what a serious problem is.
Some of these quick fixes for imagined problems arise out of blindly following western thought s about solving problems.
In most cases the cure turns out worse than the disease.
People malign Manu without studying his work in full.
Texts are often taken out of context to suit one’s convenience.
Manu Smriti
Whatever be the subject, deep thought seems to have gone into and these Laws are arrived at after taking into consideration the stability of the Society and the welfare of the individual.
However Social Order seems to take priority.
The Laws of Manu on selecting a Bride , to me, seems very rational.
As parents most of us follow the same without articulating or even aware of it.
To ensure Offspring without Genetic disorders Manu prohibits marriage with immediate blood relatives.
And with chronic illness and birth defects.
He insists on not marrying from a Family without a Male Heir.
Boys’ parents know how difficult it is to interact with a child with no brother/s for they normally are unaware of Mael view-point.
And in the event of the demise of the girl’s father, if there are no Males to interact on behalf of the Girl, it creates n running the Family at times of crisis.
Manu pays scant regard to the wealth of the Girl’s Family.
He has also provided some physical marks which might have a bearing on the character of the Bride.
Some of his observations are vindicated by Science, like the one regarding excessive Body hair-normally the extra hair growth is because of imbalance in Hormones.
Read the Laws of Manu on this.
Though this appears to apply for Brahmins, my view is that these laws are meant for the three Varnas, Brahmana, Kshatriyas,an Vaisyas as Manu simply lays down these rules for the Dwijas(twice Born)
That is those who wear Upaveeda.
These three varnas must wear Upaveedas.
Therefore these rules of Manu apply to all the three castes.
4. Having bathed, with the permission of his teacher, and performed according to the rule the Samavartana (the rite on returning home), a twice-born man shall marry a wife of equal caste who is endowed with auspicious (bodily) marks.
5. A damsel who is neither a Sapinda on the mother’s side, nor belongs to the same family on the father’s side, is recommended to twice-born men for wedlock and conjugal union.
6. In connecting himself with a wife, let him carefully avoid the ten following families, be they ever so great, or rich in kind, horses, sheep, grain, or (other) property,
7. (Viz.) one which neglects the sacred rites, one in which no male children (are born), one in which the Veda is not studied, one (the members of) which have thick hair on the body, those which are subject to hemorrhoids, phthisis, weakness of digestion, epilepsy, or white or black leprosy.
8. Let him not marry a maiden (with) reddish (hair), nor one who has a redundant member, nor one who is sickly, nor one either with no hair (on the body) or too much, nor one who is garrulous or has red (eyes),
9. Nor one named after a constellation, a tree, or a river, nor one bearing the name of a low caste, or of a mountain, nor one named after a bird, a snake, or a slave, nor one whose name inspires terror.
10. Let him wed a female free from bodily defects, who has an agreeable name, the (graceful) gait of a Hamsa or of an elephant, a moderate (quantity of) hair on the body and on the head, small teeth, and soft limbs
Birth of a child, irrespective of gender, is a happy occasion for atheists and they share joy with others. They name their children as per the events in history, current and International affairs, social and political changes or reflecting the beauty of nature.
In order to break the barriers of caste and religion, atheists name their children in a secular manner, connoting a meaning relevant to the time or an event which has no religious connotation.
Taking the case of children in Atheist Centre, Samaram (II World War), Niyanta (dictator), Lavanam (Salt, was born on the eve of Gandhi’s Salt Satyagraha), Vijayam (Victory. First success of Congress in General Elections), Vidya(Education) and the younger generation with unique names such as Sanketh(Information), Vidwat (Knowledge), Saujas (Redoubled Vigour and Youthfulness),Saaras & Tejas (Indigenous manned aero planes developed by India), Olos (Olympics Los Angeles) to mention a few. Many atheists are making the next generation secular and post religious. Atheists also stress on the need for birth registration, which is neglected in India.
In Pre-Independent India, braving stiff resistance of priests and the vested interests, some atheist and rationalist social reformers championed priestless and tradition-less marriages by exchange of garlands by spouses in a public meeting. Mahatma Phule, Ranade and other social reformers in the 19th Century encouraged widow remarriages.
In the early 20th Century, Periyar EV Ramaswamy promoted hundreds of “Self Respect” (sweeya maryada) marriages by exchange of garlands in atheist meetings.
Even though they had no legal validity, they had social approval.
In Post-Independent India, hundreds of such marriages were legally validated by Tamilnadu Government.
In other states also, the atheists and rationalists challenged the monopoly of the priestly class in social relations.
In Andhra, Tripuraneni Ramaswami developed marriage ceremonies devoid of priests and religion.
During the freedom movement, rationalists, atheists, socialists, communists and the liberal-minded popularized secular marriages by exchange of garlands in public meetings.
In the traditional Hindu marriage, Saptapadi (walking seven steps together) and tying of thali (so-called Holy-thread of gold) by husband to his wife is a must.
But in atheist marriages these customs are openly defied, for the religious rites make women inferior. Recognizing the importance of liberation to women, many did not wear ornaments or a bindu on the forehead, breaking the taboos of the Hindu religious system.
Gora and Saraswathi Gora, founders of Atheist Centre, spearheaded castelesss and religionless marriages as a movement to break the stranglehold of untouchability, caste, religion and of priestly class. They tried to bridge the gap between precept and practice by marring their own children first and set an example to others.
Atheist marriages are celebrated in complete openness.
In the case of intercaste or inter religion or casteless marriages, the spouses inform their parents about their intention
. On some occasions, the marriages take place in the teeth of opposition.
But the experience shows that parents and relations tend to reconcile soon and social ostracism for the couple tend to be less.
Death Ceremony:
In the case of atheist ceremonies, both men and women preside the gatherings, breaking the religious and gender barriers, thereby celebrating the life contribution of the individual. Some atheists, in the memory of their lost ones, donate money for scholarships to the marginalized communities or the merited students.
In the religious customs, when the husband is dead, his wife is subjected to inhuman traditional practices by breaking her bangles, removal of thali, forcing her to wear a white sari and she is made a non-entity in the family.
Her social position is degraded and for some time she is not invited to weddings in the family. This kind of treatment given to widows is regarded by atheists as mental cruelty and is openly opposed.
Atheists invite widows to attend marriages, conduct widow re-marriages and demonstrate that widows are in no way inferior to men or other women,
Thus atheist marriages open up avenues to show to others the need for social reform and gender equity. They emphasize on all round equality for women and their female children. With winds of social change, some of the cruel religious customs wane slowly in some sections of society.
Social Celebrations:
Atheists recognize the contribution of inventors, discoverers, social reformers, and national leaders who have made significant contribution to the progress of the society and in enhancing scientific temper and secular outlook. Social functions are celebrated to commemorate the inventions and discoveries as well as social reform, so as to make the younger generations aware of their significance and advocating for investing in promoting critical thinking and free inquiry. …
Religious ceremonies tend to prepare people look for salvation and to so-called life after death, where as atheist and humanist ceremonies try to improve the quality of life here on earth which is real and practical. Let us strive make the world a better place to live in peace, joy and harmony. Pleasure lies in pursuit.
Sometime back I posted an article on the views of Hinduism on LGBT.
The post received good response and many with this issue have written to me saying that th post helped them mentally.
Yet members of some communities i Facebook of which I am a member, felt that these issues are in bad taste and some communities have even removed the post.
Hinduism is a way of Life.
India Corporate Policy for LGBT.
It does not feel shy of addressing real issues of Life.
It understands the nature of Humans including their frailties and try to offer solutions.
By adopting an Ostrich like attitude, one faces on certain issues, much more serious issues later that would arise because of this.
Problems are to be addressed to and not wished away, thinking that if we do not think about them , it would disappear.
There is this attitude of taking no decision, a modern western concept of course,justifying that the problem would solve itself.
True, but the solution need not be to our liking and at times may even harmful.
I have not taken the trouble of finding statistics of LGBT in India, ,especially Community wise.
It is likely to be incorrect as this is a sensitive and too personal an issue to be divulged.
Strength in numbers does not diminish the gravity of the problem.
About a year back two issues of m friends were referred to me, regarding their family problem, so sensitive the could not discuss with their relatives.
Well, you do not discuss sensitive issues with relatives, only with friends who have no stakes.
My friend’s son((34)got married to a girl from an orthodox family.
The boy is well settled and the girl was very nice, working in a MNC.
The girl was a Lesbian.
This, she disclosed to her husband, after a couple of days of marriage to her husband.
This she told him that she was had been scared to inform her parents and she had a girl friend from US.
The boy wrestled with this problem and he informed me.
Many among the younger generation , boys and girls,open up with me about intimate problems, though , b age , I am like their Father.
I took up the issue very gingerly with the girl first and later with the Boy’s parents.
It took some time for m friend to come back to normalcy.
I informed him, he was very orthodox, that this an accident of Nature and one should ensure that two lives are not ruined.
Our Religious texts inform us these problems and suggest we take appropriate action to ensure that no one is affected.
He came around.
After discussing the issue with the girl’s parents,a Divorce b mutual consent was organised( the reason as disclosed in Camera in the Family Court).
The Boy is married again, after disclosing the details to the would be bride and her parents.
The Boy’s first wife came from US and corroborated the facts to the would be bride and her parents.
The boy is happily married and has a son.
A similar case was in respect of Gay.
Here the marriage was stopped.
Elders should not wish away the problem.
It is tricky in Hindu communities, notwithstanding the elopement in many a case.
Children still are respectful for their parents and are shy of discussing their intimate problems.
It would be prudent , before arranging marriage, boys and girls, talk to them and wherever necessary , get to know their friends and get information very discreetly.
This would help a lot of problems that might arise later.
This applies to issues concerning Transvestites as well .
Meaning:
This bride named Sri Sita is offered in holy wedlock to you:
She belongs to Yajur Veda, She belongs to Pravara consisting of the three Rishis viz., Aangirasa, Aayaasya and Goutama, She belongs to Goutama Gotra,
She is the Queen of the 14 worlds, She is the head of the entire BrhmaaNDam consisting of innumerable aNDaas, She is the one who permeates all the ChEtana and AchEtana Tattvas,
She is the one who illuminates the lineage of the moon (Chandra Vamsam), She shows extraordinary compassion to all those who surrender unto her,
She is the one who is born from the Sacrificial pit (Yaaga VEDi), She holds in her hand the lotus flower, She has the gait of a swan, She has bewitching eyes like the flower of the blue-black water lily (Neithal) flower,
She wears divine garlands, dresses and ornaments, She has her chest smeared with fragrant perfume of sandal paste, She has her locks of hair in an attractively wavy fashion,
She wears a whitish yellow colored silk saree with borders designed in the form of swans, She wears a scented upper cloth that shines in a natural red hue,
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