Ramanisblog

Tag: Marriage

  • Marriage Compatibility Myth

    Marriage and Compatibility.
    Marriage and Compatibility.

    I was looking for a suitable Girl for my son(He is married now)

    In India, in general, marriages are arranged by parents.

    For details read my post under ‘Lifestyle’

    Those who believe in horoscope,these are in the majority in the Brahmin community(I do not believe in Horoscopes), circulate the horoscope through their relatives, friends, family priest and of late through Marriage portals.

    Once the horoscopes match, then the process of visiting the would be Bride’s home is on.

    Once the girl and the boy like each other, then the arrangements for Betrothal and marriage starts.

    The problem with the present generation is that they set conditions.

    1.They need to talk to each other,by email,webcam and in person and it is in vogue now.

    2.The girl should be well-educated, employed and domestically well-trained(?!)

    3.The Boy without parents being alive is preferred and most preferred boys are those who do not have siblings;they must commit to support the girl’s parents.

    The Boy should be in a transferable job and can get transferred to the Girls’ place.

    4.Both the Boy and girl declare they should be in the same ‘wave length‘ , each must ‘personal space and they want to ensure that each is compatible with the other.

    I am talking about the point on ‘wavelength’ , ‘personal space ‘and compatibility.

    I was married to a girl whom my parents finalised and have grandchildren now, with usual, ever-present misunderstanding between us.

    What exactly is ”wavelength’?

    If my understanding is correct , it means that both should be able to have same tastes, likes and dislikes.

    I am afraid this is not possible or probable.

    Each is unique.

    If one were to have the same likes, dislikes then Life would become dull and boring.

    It is a question of supplementing each other.

    None loves, likes the others in all their follies and tastes.

    It applies to everyone.

    It is the process of compromising and adjusting that makes Life happy or at least tolerable.

    Another important point is that our tastes. likes and dislikes change during our Life and this complicates Life even further if you have the same’ ‘wave length’

    And what is ”personal space?

    No body is going to take it away from you because you are married.

    This confusion arises because of the notion that in any relationship, one should share everything with another.

    I have a post on this under Lifestyle.

    One can not and need not share everything with everyone, including wife to sustain the relationship.

    There are issues that one should share and some one need not.

    These expectations are imaginary, idealistic, fueled by pulp fiction and films.

    If one were  to be perfect in getting married after checking these wavelengths compatibility nonsense , one remains unmarried and at an unmarriageable age  and have to settle any one  for a Spouse .

    Look at a case reported.

    A girl divorced her husband because he was not compatible.

    She became friendly with a man Online.

    After some intimate exchange of views Online she found it was her ex Husband!

    If the woman had been sure of Compatibility, then  she would not divorced.

    If her judgement is correct, she would not have chosen to contact the Man Online for she had corresponded with him after checking his likes and dislikes.

    How elusive is Compatibility factor is?

    Look at the professional qualification of the people involved.

    Story:

    For nearly a year after her divorce, a West St. Paul woman opened up to a man she dated online, sharing intimate details of her personal life and struggles with her ex-husband.

    Then, prosecutors say, she got a surprise. The man on the other end of the computer was her ex-husband.

    Brian Matthew Cornelius, a 36-year-old Sturgeon Lake, Minn., man, created an elaborate online persona under an assumed name and with borrowed photographs to strike up a digital relationship with his former wife, according to charges filed Tuesday in Dakota County District Court.

    Prosecutors say Cornelius went so far as to arrange to watch the woman through a webcam, and he persuaded her to skip a court appearance in which she was seeking an order for protection against him.

    Phone calls to Cornelius and his most recent attorney of record were not returned Thursday.

    Cornelius and the woman were married in 2000 and divorced in 2011, according to court records. They have two young children together and have sparred in court over custody issues.

    He faces two counts of gross misdemeanor stalking.

    According to the charges:

    About three months after her divorce, the woman met someone through a dating website who went by the name “Aaron Carpenter.” The two struck up an “extensive” online relationship, exchanging emails, text messages and other electronic communications.

    The woman “confided intimate details of her life and daily activities” with Carpenter, including her difficulties with Cornelius. She also let him see her in her home via a webcam, the complaint said.

    In March 2012, after an alleged physical assault by Cornelius, the woman told Carpenter about her plans to get an order for protection against her ex-husband.

    Carpenter persuaded her to skip the court date, and the request for an order subsequently was dismissed.

    Source:

    http://www.twincities.com/minnesota/ci_23406072/west-st-paul-woman-discovers-online-boyfriend-is

    *Definition of Compatibility.

    com·pat·i·ble

    [kuhm-pat-uh-buhl]  Show IPA

    adjective

    1.

    capable of existing or living together in harmony: the most compatible married couple I know.
    2.

    able to exist together with something else: Prejudice is not compatible with true religion.
    3.

    consistent; congruous (often followed by with  ): His claims are not compatible with the facts.

    (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/compatible)

    http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/woman-discovers-online-friend-actually-ex-husband-185458324.html

  • Husband Wife Can Not be Your Best Friend

    I came across an article on this and noticed this discussion in some forums.

    Spouse is the Best Friend
    Spouse is the Best Friend?

    It is often assumed that you can share everything with your friend without any reservation.

    Fact is that the one whom you can share without reservations is your best friend  and not the other way.

    When you share something with some one you should not be apprehensive about the fall out or the consequences of divulging such information.

    One has to be wary of the fact that it might change their attitude and behavior towards you.

    The one whom you share might have their own agenda.

    This is likely to complicate relations with them further because you are not sure whether their advice or opinions are colored and biased in their favor.

    In general, it is not practical to share everything with relatives, wife/husband included for the reasons mentioned above.

    In the case of a friend it is different for they have no axes to grind nor are they interested in using your information or in some cases,You!

    It is often thought one is expected to share everything with  those whom they Love.

    Incorrect.

    Unselfish, Altruistic  Love is Utopian, not practical.

    In any relationship there is always an element of expectation.

    Moreover one loves some one for certain qualities and not for all the qualities one possesses.

    Therefore ,their perceptions need not concur with others and they never will.

    So the question of sharing is fraught with complication with relatives.

    But as I said earlier it is not so with friends.

    The problem is that such friends are rare to come by.

    I am fortunate to have such a friend(read my post on Friendship)

    Coming to the issue of sharing with Spouse,it is very dicey and often leads to complications.

    This does not mean you do not love.

    The conception that Love is complete only when you share, in my opinion, is childish.

    Love is about caring, that’s all.

    This requires a more healthy and mature  Attitude than sharing.

    Yet the question of sharing between Man and Woman always, though unspoken, has sexual implications.

    Platonic Love is for Plato_Did he have a happy married Life?

    Some references and discussions.

    *There are exceptions,

    ”

    For most people, their spouse is the person they see the most on any given day. From the moment they wake up in the morning to the moment they go to sleep at night, it’s their spouse who hears all of their thoughts and ideas, who listens to their observations on the day, and who does it all over again the next. But does that make their spouse their best friend?

    The other night over dinner, this question came up with some girlfriends of mine. They are lucky enough to have the lifelong friends some of us can only dream about. Friends who have known them since they were 4, nursed them through high school breakups and junior high drama. Friends who know their family dynamics better than their cousins and stood beside them at their wedding, tearing up and smiling for the camera.

    So who is our “best friend”? For me, it’s my husband. Hands down. I have other people I adore and feel close to, but no one knows my innermost everything like my husband. Then again, I am lucky in that I have known him since I was 10 and he DID know my family … So maybe it’s different if you meet in your late 20s or 30s.

    We asked around and polled 14 women to ask their opinions and got a varied amount of amazing responses. Here are some:

    1.) “When asked who my BFF is, I never think to respond my husband, but if I think about what one means, then yes, he is. That said, he’s NOT my favorite person to do everything with, and there are some things I’d rather do/issues I’d rather discuss with my BFF than him.”

    2.) “No one knows me like the friend I grew up with. She was my neighbor, she knew my parents when they were alive and she knew them well. I love my husband, but no one could ever know me like her.”

    3.) “I’m closer with him than anyone, feel most comfortable around him, have so much fun with him, and know I can count on him more than anyone else. However, that said, there are some things he just doesn’t get that my girl ‘best friend’ does — especially when it comes to being a mom and how much we put into it!”

    4.) “My husband is my best friend. As for why — he’s funny, he’s good company, he likes many of the same things I do, and he’s been my partner through thick and thin for over 13 years.”

    5.) “Yes, he is. We went into this as best friends, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I have other best friends, but he’s number one.”

    6.) “Without a doubt, my husband is my best friend. Still, I’m proud to have several other friends that are very close behind. But we don’t have sex so …?”

    7.) “I have a best friend that isn’t my husband. Obviously, my husband and I know each other like only we could know. We support one another emotionally, we have great conversations and so much fun together. We are raising kids and sharing a house together and I couldn’t imagine doing it with another human being, but my best friend is someone who I have known forever, we have shared more with each other than any other. Both experiences and secrets. We have shared hilarious times, sad times, great times, and horrendous times together and I honestly would not be where I am today without her love, advice, and guidance.”

    8.) “My husband and I are probably totally co-dependent in that we do everything together (even grocery shop). He is my foil, the shoulder I can lean on when I am down, and the person who has my back all the time. Sometimes I feel bad for not having that one woman who is my soul sister BFF, but then I think about my marriage and how LUCKY we are. I am so thankful that I have this man I want to talk to all night and rip off his clothes at the same time. Even after a decade of marriage. So yeah, he’s my best friend with a million benefits, to boot.”

    http://askville.amazon.com/husband-friend/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=89360982

    http://thestir.cafemom.com/love_sex/159547/does_your_husband_have_to

    ‘

    I think declaring that your husband is your best friend is very trendy these days. With that said, I am sure many of you consider your husband to be your best friend. However when I married 43 years ago I loved and still love my husband dearly. However, he is NOT my best friend. Why ? Because who do you talk to when your husband pisses you off ? Not him….its your best friend, who in my case happens to be a girl who understands me so much better than my husband.
    Related Articles

  • Voluntary Part Time Wives Islam

    While there is an uproar about the Islamic practice of a Man  marrying Four wives, news comes out that Islamic women in UK are voluntarily getting marred as a Second wife, because they could not get a suitable match.

    Part time wives Islam
    Part time wives Islam

    Gender equality at last!

    Story:

    Aisha laughs out loud at the thought of how her colleagues and clients would react if they knew she shares a husband. The laughter makes her loose hijab slip slightly, exposing a few strands of dark hair. “They would be dumbfounded and probably prurient,” she sniffs. As far as they are concerned, her 42-year-old factory-owning husband has only one wife—this thoughtful attorney sipping Earl Gray tea in the sitting room of a pleasant and very middle-class Edwardian house in a leafy residential road in northwest London.

    Her immediate family and close Muslim friends know the truth: 41-year-old Aisha is a second wife and for three years has been conveniently—at least for her—sharing her businessman husband with his first bride. “It was my choice to marry him. There was no coercion.” With a wry giggle she says: “I wanted a partner and man-hunted for one using a marriage agency and this suits me.”

    “I didn’t want to remain single and I wanted my relationship to be endorsed by my religion, so sleeping around or living with a non-Muslim wasn’t an option,” she says. “This works for me.”

    Being a co-wife is a situation that apparently works for other successful British Muslim women, who have delayed marriage to build careers and discover that by the time they are ready for a husband, their age counts against them and they don’t have the pick of the crop. For them, sharing a husband is a practical solution that allows them a suitable partner and stable companionship all sanctioned by Islam.

    And it has the added bonus of allowing the women to retain the independent lives they have developed for themselves during their single years. “I didn’t want a full-time husband,” Aisha says firmly.

    She admits that the first wife, whom her husband married 15 years ago in an arranged union, wasn’t initially happy with the arrangement but has “come round,” although the two wives have little to do with each other and seldom meet. Aisha sees her husband on alternate days and nights—although if either of the two children from his first wife falls sick, or there’s a family emergency, Aisha will be compensated for any time lost as a result of timetable changes.

    The unexpected trend of professional British Muslim women agreeing to become second or third wives has startled Islamic religious leaders, some of whom disapprove, and is now gaining political attention with British Conservative politicians vowing to stamp out the practice—although how theoretically they will accomplish this remains unclear. Under U.K. law multiple marriage is illegal, but co-wives are exploiting loopholes.

    http://www.thedailybeast.com/witw/articles/2013/08/05/britain-s-muslim-communities-see-rise-in-multiple-marriages-as-career-women-seek-part-time-husbands.html

    Related Articles

  • How To Nail Yourself By Yourself

    There seems to be a confusion between being Frank, Blunt  and Open.

    Shut Up. gif.I find people, under the impression of being frank express what they think immediately, irrespective of whom they are talking to.

    One category is informing others of the opinions expressed by the third-party , in the passing.

    Some times to the party concerned!

    In the other case, it some how reaches the  one who made the initial comment and puts a strain in Relationships.

    In most cases, especially the younger brigade, it is the ‘in’ thing to declare that they are open with their spouses and that they disclose everything about them and their Life.

    Nothing can be more disastrous tahn this to damage the Married Life.

    There is  a difference to informing what is necessary and what is not important.

    By disclosing everything, you become vulnerable for attacks, which could have been avoided.

    It is not necessary to divulge every thing to every one, including wife.

    More harm comes out of it than good.

    Being open in these cases  may give egoistical euphoria that you are a frank person; other than that it achieves nothing.

    This is immaturity.

    Boldnes is being interpreted as being ‘brash,brutal”

    People use this boldness to say things what they think.

    If every one were to express their feelings about others there will no relationships standing.

    If truth is to be told is to be expressed in such a way that the message gets across and it does not offend.

    The other name of this Art is ‘Courtesy, Politeness”

    But. there are some issues like extramarital affair(if you are serious about it), Financial dealing, Health issues-these issues should never be kept secret from the wife.

    Again there are some statements that we make ourselves about us, which would nail us in the long run.

    I read an article on this.

    Read On:

    1. It matters what others think
      My past used to be riddled with quiet thoughts of “If my house is decorated like this, I’ll look wealthy”, “If I drive this car, I’ll look professional”, or “If I share the real me, people may not want to spend time with me”. Remember, there’s a fine line between caring what people think out of courtesy and selling out on who you are a unique and gifted person.
    1. Comparing myself to others shows where I should be in life
      I’ve come to the conclusion that comparisons are a quick acting poison to our happiness. To think that there’s something or someone out there that’s “better” than us is a sure way to lose ourselves. Stop competing and comparing in an effort to be someone else. Instead, find gratitude for who you are.
    1. I’m only worthy after I’ve accomplished something notable
      We are inherently worthy. Once we believe that, we have a fighting chance at manifesting our dreams. I remember so many times where I didn’t take an opportunity or didn’t acquire a monetary item because I didn’t feel worthy of it. Pure silliness.
    1. I’m alone
      Solitude is a choice. This is one that I’ve personally fought. Part of me really wants to argue that I’m lonely. My gut knows that there are people all around me, if I’d only reach out in love and leave the victimhood behind.
    1. Authenticity just gets me into trouble
      Lack of sensitivity towards other people’s feelings is what gets us in trouble. Authenticity breeds human connection and trust.
    2. Source:

    http://www.theliesitell.com/ebook3.htm

  • Divorce, Widow Remarriage Allowed By Vedic Hinduism

     

    Gandharva Marriage-Shakuntala and Dushyant.
    Gandharva Marriage-Shakuntala and Dushyant.

    Marriage in India, Hinduism is a bit complex in that Marriages are intertwined with Religion ,Spirituality, Disposition and place in the Society.

    As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, the Social Organisation , incorrectly called as ‘Caste’ Marriages were classified into Eight Types, based on the couples disposition and their Social Status.

    The Eight Types of Marriages ,Vivaha.

    1. Brahma Vivaah:Brahma vivah is considered the best marriage. In this the boy and girl belonging to good families and the same varna get married. The boy should have completed his Brahmacharya Ashram (studenthood). There is no dowry involved and the girl enters the boy’s house with two sets of clothes and some ornaments. In this marriage, the boy’s family approaches the girl’s family. “Kanyadaan”, which is the handing of the bride by her father to the groom, is an important ritual of the Brahma Vivah..
    2. Prajapatya Vivaah: This type of marriage is the same as the Brahma vivaah in all respects, except that the bride’s father gives her away as a gift, not to the groom, but to the groom’s father. This type of marriage is resorted to when the groom and bride are both very young. Thus, the protection of the bride or daughter is handed over by her father to the groom’s father during the Panigrahan (hand-receiving) ceremony. The wedding ceremony involving the young bride and groom may take place immediately afterwards, but the wedding may not be consummated for several years, until the bride and groom are old enough.
    3. Daiva Vivaah: In this type of wedding, there are no feasts or celebrations that are specific to the wedding, but the wedding of the daughter of a poor family is held as an act of charity by wealthy people. It was customary for kings, landlords and rich merchants to hold religious ceremonies and sacrifices where many gifts would be given and charities performed for the benefit of learned Brahmins and the poor. During these great events, a poor man would sometimes approach the wealthy host and seek the charity that his daughter’s wedding be performed at this time. This type of marriage may take place if the girl’s parents are unable to locate a suitable groom within a reasonable period (several years) after the girl has attained puberty. Often, the reason for this would be that the parents of the bride cannot afford the expense of their daughter’s marriage. It was considered improper or unsafe to keep a girl unwed past her teens, and anyway the chances of an aging girl getting a good husband were not better than the same girl getting a good husband at a younger age. So the girl would be bedecked with flowers and whatever small ornaments the parents could provide and taken to the venue of the religious ceremony or sacrifice being performed by a rich magnate. She would be offered in marriage to any willing man and generally this would be one of the priests, young or old. The wedding ceremony would be performed in short order and the feasts which were anyway being hosted as part of the festivities would suffice for this extra wedding also. According to the Dharmashastra, Daiva marriage is considered avoidable but is still respectable since poverty is not culpable; lack of virtue is reprehensible but honest poverty is acceptable.
    4. Arsha Vivaah: In this type of marriage, the family of the groom pays kanya-shulkam or bride-price to the parents of the bride. According to certain texts, the prescribed bride-price is a cow with a calf and a pair of bulls. The sacred texts provide various lists of specific communities where this custom prevailed and imply that it is unfitting in general society. However, several instances are found in the puranas of marriage between a man from mainstream communities and a woman from one of the bride-price seeking communities (Pandu–Madri; Dasharatha–Kaikeyi, etc.). In nearly all cases, the man willingly pays the bride-price and brings his bride home. Also in nearly all these cases, the woman thus obtained comes to dominate her husband and causes havoc and ruin in his family.
    5. Asura Vivaah: In the Asura type of marriage the groom is not at all suitable for the bride. In no way is he a match for the girl but he willingly gives as much wealth as he can afford to the bride’s parents and relatives. In Arsha type cows are given in exchange for the bride but there is no such limitation in the Asura type of marriage. Generally the groom is of lower social rank or caste than the bride. This type of marriage is highly disfavored.
    6. Gandharva Vivaah: When a man and a woman marry for love and without the consent of their families, that marriage is called Gandharva Vivaah or ‘love marriage.’ This type of marriage is considered impious and degrading because it is motivated by lust. In Hinduism, a man is supposed to marry a woman who will aid him in performing his duties towards his parents, clan and society, and to have sons to perpetuate his lineage. Love marriages are seen as taking a man away from all these duties and making him besotted to a beautiful, lustful woman, mindful only of his own selfish pleasures and unmindful of his duties. Hence this form of marriage is reprobated.
    7. Rakshasa Vivaah: This is essentially marriage by abduction. In cases where the girl is willing to marry the boy but her family is against the alliance, the girl may be abducted and married. It is essential that the girl be willing, because otherwise, the puranas and shastras simply treat the incident of abduction as rape, with consequent vengeance and retribution. Instances of such marriages include Krishna–Rukmini and Arjuna–Subhadra, in all of which cases the girl was willing and the results were good.
    8. Paishacha Vivaah: In the case where the bride is intoxicated, possessed or not in a conscious state of mind when being married and thus is married unwillingly, is an example Paishacha vivaah, and which has been outlawed by Manu.(Wiki)

    Of these eight,  in the first Two Case, Brahmana Vivaha and Prajapati Vivaha, Divorce and Remarriage and Widow Remarriage were not allowed.

    This is because of the elevated status these two groups, which perform these types of Marriages belong to.

    Normally  these were performed by the Brahmana, Kshatriya and Vaisya Communities.

    What is important to note is that the ‘Caste’ is determined based on wedlock and Wedlock is not determined by the caste, in the sense that those who marry other than these two types of Marriages no longer belong to the Group and are not constrained by  their original groups laws.

    An example is the marriage of  Asura Guru,Sukra’s daughter’s marriage.( Devyani).

    Sukracharya, a Brahmin was the Guru of Asuras .

    His duty was to get his daughter married  in the style of Brahmana Vivaha.

    Since it he did not do it, for no fault of his, he separated himself from his daughter, who later married  a King.

    In these cases, the Laws of Manu ,proscribing remarriage or Divorce do not apply.

    The Laws of Manu forbidding Remarriage and Divorce are related to the two types of marriages and not to other Varnas.

    In all the other six cases, laws of Manu do not apply and there is no bar for remarriage.

    As has been the vein of Sanatana Dharama, stricter laws are applied to Barhmains, Kshatriyas ans Vaishyas.

    Therefore Divorce and Remarriages were allowed  except in the case of the Brahmanas ,Kshtriyas and Vishyas,

    In case people from these groups decide to marry in a form other than what is prescribed, Namely Brahman Vivaha and Prajapati Vivaha, tey acn, but they are no longer controlled by the laws that were applicable to them earlier.

    The which group do they belong to and what rules should they follow?

    This will be dealt with separately in another post, where I will be discussing how many so-called caste groups came into being.

    Ref:

    Indian History By Reddy.

    http://books.google.co.in/books?id=CeEmpfmbxKEC&pg=SL1-PA233&lpg=SL1-PA233&dq=remarriage+of+Gandharva+Vivaha&source=bl&ots=fwIEuFM2AF&sig=1WnCrPG8RSlQFj2FltTr278Iqlk&hl=en&sa=X&ei=UUPvUdPiF4q8rAfXg4HwDQ&ved=0CD0Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=remarriage%20of%20Gandharva%20Vivaha&f=false

    http://hinduism.about.com/library/weekly/extra/bl-lawsofmanu1.htm