Ramanisblog

Tag: Relationship

  • Love Is……..?

    I had been on a tour to some Temples for the last five Days.

    I have been lucky to cover 20 Temples and not one of them is less than 1000 years old.

    I was using only Public Transport.

    I normally engage in conversations with strangers ans enjoy Life as it goes by.

    Three instances, I thought were worth sharing.

    I will be sharing two of them and another one by a separate post as it is a very interesting one, to me at least.

    I was traveling by train from Mayiladuthurai, Tamil Nadu to Tiruchirapalli.

    I was engaged in conversation with a young man of about 35 and he shared some of his problems .

    The name is not being mentioned here and the issue is common to all.

    He is a builder of some repute and is in Kumbakonam.

    His wife is in Tiruchi and his parents are in Thiruvanaikkaval, near Tiruchi.

    He has been married for  eight years and has a child of three years.

    His wife has gone to live with her parents in Tiruchi and he is staying is Kumbakonam,about two hours drive.

    His wife and himself were living in Sri Thiruvanaikaval with his parents till about a year back.

    His wife wanted to have a house for themselves and suggested Kumbakonam.

    So the man built a House in Kumbakonam.

    After moving in  there, his wife refused to stay there any more because, his two sisters were living there and they used to come to his house at least twice a month.

    His wife did not like this nor she did like his visiting his sisters.

    She wanted to dispose of the house at Kumbakonam and wanted to settle at Tiruchi where her parents are living by building a new house.

    She was not prepared to go Thiruvanaikaval where her in-laws lived, even if it were to be separate House.

    The man is unable to sell the house at Kumbakonam and is frustrated with his wife and Life in general.

    His parents have told him to take any decision which suits him.

    He sought my advice and it is not relevant to what I am posting here.

    Couple of days later, I was traveling from Viralimalai,I Tiruchi by bus.

    A young man of about 30, who was sitting next to me, was talking on his Cell phone.

    He was saying( his younger sister I presumed by his talk).,

    ‘Don’t’ worry, Elder brother, (himself) is leaving for  work…

    I have to catch the eight o’clock k train….

    No, you don’t come….

    I have told everyone to take care of you..

    But you also be careful,

    While going out eat properly, don’t stay awake late at night,

    If you have to go out go out with friends, never alone…

    I will be there for the Temple festival in a month’s time…

    I will call you from the Station…

    Whenever you need anything, call me.’

    Tears were rolling down his cheeks as he was speaking.

    Both the instances relate to Relations, Relationship.

    Which one can I call Love?

    P.S. He is unmarried.

    Related articles

  • ஆறு மனமே,ஆறு Kannadasan

    Kannadasan
    Kannadasan
    Speaking and expressing one thing and doing another thing, remains the cause for major problems in Life, especially in Relationships.
    Most of the time we do not mean what we say.
    We say things what we know are untrue and in most cases know that we would be found out.
    Still we say these things.
    This has developed only after we stopped being a Child.
    We try to be pleased others, say and do things we do not like.
    If we are true to our nature, relationships will be normal.
    People will Love you for what you are and can see through you if you try to be some one different.
    I hold the view that each has three personalities.
    1.What we project to others.
    This often, is  what we think they might like.
    Imagine if every one were to behave so,which every one does, one never has a real relationship and never gets to now the other.
    2.The second is what we think we are.
    This, normally, is a composite picture of our selves to ourselves consisting of our real nature and what has been imbibed  and taught to  us, which we unconsciously adopt in the visualization ourselves to ourselves.
    3.The Real US.
    We do not really know.
    This pops out occasionally.
    This is the aim of Indian Philosophy.
    Who Am I?
    What is my Nature?
    What Am I doing here?
    By being as in 2 and occasionally as in 3 when it happens(it will ,if we follow 2), Relationships will improve.
    Caution.
    Being True to one self and Blunt is not being True.
    There is something called Courtesy or a way of communicating with others.
    Convey in such a way that it does not hurt others.

  • ‘Living Together’ Messes Up Life Study

    The case for Living together is basically one of embarking in a Relationship with out Commitment.

     

    Put it bluntly it is taken as a licence and a short route to Debauchery and sexual gratification a la animals with out a sense of responsibility.

     

    (some studies show Gorillas have a strong  sense of marital Commitment!)

     

    Some of the Reasons provided.Reason#1 – It’s financially responsible.

     

    Where I live, an apartment can run you somewhere between $700 and $1400.  Dropping an extra $1000/month seems like throwing your money down the drain.  If you’re a particularly “committed co-habitor” (yep, I like the term too :) ), you might even be building up equity in a home you’ve bought together.”

     

    You can do that even by Marrying.

     

    You spend all your time together anyways.  Like wasting money with rent, wasting time is equally frustrating.  You drive to each other’s places many times during the week.  You help each other with cooking and cleaning and laundry and bills.  Traveling back and forth, virtually living in two places, is kind of like the inconvenience of living out of a bag on a business trip.  It’s annoying.  If you want to be together, why all the running around?

    Reason #3 – It seems like a good next step in the relationship.  Consumers that we are in America, everything exists with a try it before you buy it clause.  Every infomercial promises that you can try it and return it in 30 days for a full refund.  And the bigger the purchase, the more you want to make sure it’s just right.  What kind of fool would buy a car before thorough inspection and testing?  Thankfully, marriage in our society today does, to a degree, maintain some semblance of “a big deal”.  Couples don’t want to rush into that.  Well, what about a “____ day money-back” transition period to see if this relationship truly feels right?  These test periods make sense in every other aspect of our lives, why not our relationships?

    Reason #4 – It’s so common.  By definition, nothing will make something seem like “not a big deal” faster than commonality.  I guarantee you know couples that are living together outside of marriage.  In fact, many of you, especially if you tend towards the younger generations, might know more couples that are living together than not.  It’s the age old, after-school-special argument of “How can it be that bad if everybody’s doing it?”  It was not, at least statistically speaking, common 40 years ago though.  Imagine that, after the sexually open-minded 60s, co-habitation was still considered fairly taboo.  People that lived together outside of marriage (particularly women – a strange double standard in our society that’s more appropriate for another article) developed reputations.  People don’t like bad reputations.  Regardless of ethnicity or religion, there is one word out there that young women don’t want to be called more than any other word.  Young people don’t call young girls promiscuous or even “skanky” anymore.  They call them this word – a word that will make a girl feel more worthless than any other – a destructive word that I guarantee is used at your child’s school.  40 years ago, living together with a man would earn a woman a label like this.  Not anymore.  In fact, if she’s only sexually active with one man, marriage or not, she’s virtually safe from labels today.  It’s just so common that it won’t warrant a subjective label like that.

    Reason #5 – We love each other.  Love is a funny word.  It’s a fascinating biblical word.  When a young couple chooses to live together because they love one another.

    Can one see any valid argument here?

    If ‘ we love each other’ why not marry?

    http://pastorjameshein.wordpress.com/2010/05/13/5-great-reasons-to-live-together-before-marriage-1-better-one-not-to/

     

    “Reasons for Living together:

    • Economic or practical reasons.
    • Concerns about a long-term commitment.
    • Fear of divorce.
    • Convenience.
    • To give the relationship a trial run before marriage.
    • Lack of faith in marriage as an institution.
    • Escape from family home.
    • Compromise with partner who doesn’t want to be married.
    • Companionship.

     

    Sillier reasons , you can not find!

     

    What are the statistics on Living Together?

     

    ”

    Married or living together, 1981–2006
    Married or living together, 1981–2006

    Readily Available Cohabitation Facts

    • Living together is considered to be more stressful than being married.

     

    • Just over 50% of first cohabiting couples ever get married.

     

     

    • In the United States and in the UK, couples who live together are at a greater risk for divorce than non-cohabiting couples.

     

     

    • Couples who lived together before marriage tend to divorce early in their marriage. If their marriage last seven years, then their risk for divorce is the same as couples who didn’t cohabit before marriage.

     

    Cohabitation Facts Rarely Mentioned

    • In France and Germany cohabiting couples have a slightly lower risk of divorce.

     

    • If cohabitation is limited to a person’s future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce.

     

     

    • In the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce.

    http://marriage.about.com/od/cohabitation/qt/cohabfacts.htm

     

    Some more facts.

    • The number of unmarried couples living together soared 12-fold from 430,000 in 1960 to 5.4 million in 2005.
    • More than eight out of ten couples who live together will break up either before the wedding or afterwards in divorce.
    • About 45 percent of those who begin cohabiting, do not marry. Another 5-10 percent continue living together and do not marry.
    • Couples who do marry after living together are 50% more likely to divorce than those who did not.
    • Only 12 percent of couples who have begun their relationship with cohabitation end up with a marriage lasting 10 years or more.
    • A Penn State study reports that even a month’s cohabitation decreases the quality of the couple’s relationship.
    • (rayfowler.org.)

     

    Read this.

    Of the 45 percent or so who do marry after living together, they are 50 percent more likely to divorce than those who remained separate before the wedding.So instead of 22 of the 45 couples divorcing (the 50 percent divorce rate) about 33 will divorce. That leaves just 12 couples who have begun their relationship with cohabitation who end up with a marriage lasting 10 years.

     

    LOPEZ: Isn’t it practical sometimes?

    http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/224058/no-way-live/interview

     

  • Porn Addiction Spoils Relationships Study

    A recent study reveals that Porn spoils Relationships.

     

    Another study indicates that it actually improves Relationships.

     

    A point to be noted is that Porn watching releases sexual tension in normal individuals as is Masturbation.

     

    But for an unstable individual it increase libido and makes one indulge in Perversions and commit acts like Rape.

     

    • Leading sex and relationship experts find men suffer performance anxiety because of ‘impressive’ feats in porn
    • Women feel insecure about their bodies and feel pressured to ‘perform’
    • ‘Vanilla’ sex is becoming less desirable, while porn addiction is increasing
    • ‘More young people are learning about sex through porn, and it’s having a devastating effect on their perceptions.’

    …

    Eighty six per cent of the therapists questioned believe porn has had a negative effect on relationships and 90 per cent have seen an increase in relationship problems due to porn in recent years.

    As porn is now so easily accessible, Cosmopolitan was also told that ‘vanilla’ sex is becoming less desirable, while porn addiction – once seen a very niche sexual problem – is on the increase.

    Almost all of the therapists surveyed (94 per cent) have seen an increase in incidents of porn addiction and 63 per cent believe porn increases men’s expectations of sex with their partner.

    Needless to say, porn has become a ticking time bomb in relationships and is crushing men’s and women’s confidence in the bedroom

     

    More and more men are suffering from performance anxiety because of the ‘impressive’ feats they see in porn, whilst women feel insecure about their bodies and feel pressured to ‘perform’.

    Porn is becoming such a problem for some that 85 per cent of experts think porn has had a negative effect on women’s confidence and 67 per cent agree that women are under pressure to behave like porn stars in the bedroom.

    ‘Porn can affect men’s ability to form relationships with real women, rather than those on their laptop,’ said Psychosexual therapist Carol Featherstone.

    Psychosexual therapist Karen Lobb-Rossini says, ‘More and more young people (girls as well as boys) are learning about sex through porn, and it’s having a devastating effect on their perception of themselves and their bodies.’

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2264419/Vanilla-sex-OUT-porn-addiction-IN-Disturbing-results-Cosmo-survey-reveal-porn-damaging-relationships.html

    The Other Report.

    http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/etc/surveyres.html

    10453 respondents
    sex of the respondents
    male
    80% (8454)
    female
    17% (1792)
    age group of the respondents
    18 – 20 years
    11% (1161)
    21 – 30 years
    31% (3281)
    31 – 40 years
    29% (3081)
    41 – 50 years
    15% (1619)
    51 – 60 years
    7% (756)
    61 – 70 years
    2% (227)
    71 or older
    1% (118)
    how often have you viewed sexual images in the past month?
    not once, and i have never before
    3% (315)
    not once, but i have in the past
    20% (2119)
    one or two times
    16% (1768)
    once a week
    10% (1138)
    a few times a week
    27% (2851)
    once a day
    9% (953)
    several times a day
    10% (1126)
    if you use pornography, how much time per week did you spend on it during the past month?
    i did not use porn during the past month
    11% (1195)
    less than one hour
    18% (1968)
    1-5 hours
    37% (3889)
    6-15 hours
    16% (1708)
    16-25 hours
    6% (690)
    26-50 hours
    3% (395)
    more than 50 hours
    3% (337)

    · the top five feelings expressed about porn
    86% it can educate people
    72% it offers a harmless outlet for unconventional or other private fantasies
    68% it can lead to more open attitudes about (one’s own) sexuality
    55% it can improve relationships
    49% it is offensive and degrading
    · why do you use porn? (top five answers)
    72% to masturbate/for physical release
    69% to sexually arouse myself and/or others
    54% out of curiosity
    43% because i can fantasize about things i would not necessarily want in real life
    38% to distract myself
    · why do you think other people use porn? (top five answers)
    87% out of curiosity
    83% to masturbate/for physical release
    82% to sexually arouse themselves and/or others
    77% to entertain themselves
    65% because they don’t have a sexual partner
    · if you used porn, how do you feel about this?
    80% i am fine with my porn use
    30% i feel bad while i’m using porn
    19% i am fine with it, but my partner doesn’t (or would not) like me using porn
    16% i feel bad after using porn
    9% i have tried to stop using it but i can’t
    · if you used pornography in the past, but not anymore, why do you not use it anymore? (top five answers)
    4% other reasons
    4% i got bored with it
    2% change in life circumstances (new job, new relationship, children)
    2% it led from bad to worse (e.g., i became “addicted”)
    1% it was starting to affect my relationships with others, my work, or other activities
    · if you have never used pornography, why not? (top five answers)
    3% it is offensive and degrading
    2% i am not interested in it
    2% it goes against my values
    1% it violates my religious principles
    1% it confirms stereotypes of men, women, and/or of what sex really is about

     

     

     

     

  • Marriage for a Fixed Period’ New Law?

    Marriage is being confused with Sex here.

    English: image of marriage license
    English: image of marriage license (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    The argument that problems arise need not be a reason for negating the marriage.

    If the logic of uneasiness in facing or solving problems is the issue then living  itself is a problem.

    People tend to enter  the bond  of Marriage with the mind-set ‘what  can I get’, with out realising that Marriage, as in other things in Life is a two-way traffic.

    One has to bear in mind the partner also has expectations and as no one is perfect, disappointments are bound to be there.

    If Divorce or ‘Fixed time Marriage’ is the solution, what next?

    Do you propose to remain Single?

    If not, what is the guarantee that the same incompatibility would not creep in again?

    After your first Relationship did not last because of inability to compromise.

    There can be no Relationship without Commitment and reciprocity.

    In Life unless one learns to compromise, there is no Happiness.

    Our Survival itself is because of Compromises .

    Story:

    ”

    When you live in a place with a 50 percent divorce rate, is “till death do you part” even a realistic concept? In a radical rethinking of matrimony, Mexico City’s assembly is mulling a proposed civil code reform that would enable the city to issue marriage licenses with time limits.

    The idea, explains assemblyman Leonel Luna, is to help couples avoid “the tortuous process of divorce.” Instead, couples could opt for a renewable contract for a minimum two-year term, complete with provisions for the division of assets and custody of children. “If the relationship is not stable or harmonious,” Luna says, “the contract simply ends.” Luna says there could be a vote on the new marriage contracts by the end of the year.

    Unsurprisingly, the Catholic Church, still fired up over Mexico City legalizing same-sex unions in 2009, is none too pleased with the move. Mexican archdiocese spokesman Hugo Valdemar told Reuters this week that “This reform is absurd. It contradicts the nature of marriage. It’s another one of these electoral theatrics the assembly tends to do that are irresponsible and immoral.” Because anything other than a lifetime binding contract between a man and woman is hooey!

    There’s something irresistible about the notion of a love that can last forever. But matrimony has always existed as both a business relationship as well as a romantic one. Sure, plenty of arranged marriages have led to deep and lasting love, but they’ve also been built on practical social alliances between families. The blending of fortunes, the rearing of children — they all factor into the culture of marriage. Just ask Patti Stanger. It’s not just about eternal ardor. So why not make it easier for couples to openly acknowledge another practical aspect of marriage – that it doesn’t always last until one person gets the privilege of burying the other one?

    Love, even under the best of circumstances, is not a static condition. Even if you’re with the same person, the relationship you’re in at 24 isn’t the one you’re going to be in at 64. And though it may sound harsh to subject it to periodic review, there is in fact both a pleasantly incentivizing reason to do so and a luxuriously liberating one as well. Think of any couple you’ve ever known — or possibly participated in — in which domesticity was taken as Let Yourself Go pass. Partnered life doesn’t have the urgent frisson of early dating, but it’s not an excuse to stop putting in the work, either. How different might the experience of marriage be if both participants in it were subject to periodic, mutual review? The chance to say, here’s what’s working, here’s what’s changed, here’s what needs improvement? The opportunity, even, to say, maybe it’s time to move on? Why not acknowledge that a great five-year run could be more satisfying than a 30-year sentence? After all, we leave jobs and houses and quietly distance ourselves from old friends all the time, and it’s rarely considered failure. Instead it’s understood to be part of growth and the nature of life. So why is permanence so highly prized? Why is endurance equated with commitment?

    http://www.salon.com/2011/09/30/why_marry_forever/