Brahmins have been a closely knit community.
There are other communities which are more closely knit than the Brahmins, say, the Nattukkottai Nagarathar Community.
As I am a Brahmin by birth, a proud one for being so,I deem it fit to record some unpleasant facts, especially regarding marriages, in our Community.
Some of my observations are likely to hurt but some one has to say them.
I am aware that I will be criticized very severely, for no body is a biter critic of a Brahmin than a fellow Brahmin, much in the same way as the Jews,
I searched for an alliance for my son for over three and half years before I got him married.
I had utilized all avenues from the traditional circulation of Horoscopes to registering in Matrimonial Sites,
There is a tendency among most of the parents, whose daughter’s are employed, and more so if they have only one daughter:
That of postponing the marriage of their daughters as long as possible.
The reasons they cite are,,
The girl does not want to marry now,
She needs to be independent for some time, earning well to enable her to stand on her feet,
The arguments are fallacious.
No Girl or Boy will come to their parents and declare that they want to marry and ask them to look for a suitable spouse.
They would be coy in admitting the fact that it is time for them to get married.
I am excluding those children who come and declare that they are in love with some one(normally with one from another caste: even this I attribute to the fact of parents delaying the marriage on one pretext or another.
As parents it is our responsibility to advise them the advantages of getting married at an early age, the reasons being,
a ) If you are looking for the Best looking woman or Man, remember that the opposite side also does the same and each has the privilege of rejecting.
b) You do not get any younger and it would be tougher to get a match as time marches on.
And taking children’s views of not wanting to get married has few serious consequences for parents as well.
I know of a couple of cases, where the parents have stopped looking for alliances because their children said so.
These parents, they are my close friends,took their children’s views seriously and stopped looking for a match.
Now the boys are past 35.
They have stopped speaking with their parents thought they stay in the same house and are alright in all other respects.
As i can closely mingle with the younger set as a friend, this is with my own children as well, I understood from them that they are cross that their parents have not finalised their marriages!
They are sore that their parents have taken their views seriously!
Now I am looking for alliances for them along with their parents.
Lesson- go about alliances notwithstanding your children’s objections and record them.
If they refuse, show them the records , that would keep them on their toes.
Another repulsive habit of parents of brides insisting that thee Bride groom must be in the city were the girls’ parents live!
The girls might agree to it for the time being , would regret later when they find they remain unmarried for long.
Children have their lives to led, be it a Boy or Girl.
Another obnoxious habit is that some parents are reluctant to get their daughters married because they will lose their daughter’s salary!
This is a fact and I have , in two instances told the parents of the Girls if they want only money they should not have begotten children!
I may point out a curious fact.
Please check Tamil matrimony marriage site, find out how many girls’ profile have been uploaded by the Girls themselves/their friends as against the profiles uploaded by Parents.
You will find personal/friends uploads will be in the age group of over 27.
The reason is parents keep on refusing Alliances on some spurious ground or another and at the age of 27 or 28 the girl starts taking her life into their hands.
Avoid this and remember delaying the marriage of a Girl is a very serious Sin , Kanya Paapam that would affect your family for generations, not with standing Sumangali Prarthnais.
Another issue is refusing sub sect marriages.
Sub-sects are based on Geographical locations where the ancestors have lived, like Mythili Brahmins hailed from Mithila, Vadamas in Tamil Nadu were from the North of the River Cauvery.
Some times Brahmin sub-sects are derived from the duties they were adept at. Adigas in Cooking, Vaathimaas in Purohitam,Vajpayees,Somayajees in performing a particular. yaga or yagnya
Among Brahmins there is no division of States or Languages either.
We follow the Vedas, period.No differences.
Let me narrate an incident when I visited Sringeri and had performed Biksha Vandana for His Holiness Sri Bharathi Theertha Swamigal of The Sringeri Mutt.
As me and my wife neared the Acharya, the man who normally stands by his side asked me,
‘neevu kannadadhvara, Are you from Karnataka?’
I replied,
‘I am Brahmin’
The Acharya heard this and asked me to explain .
I said,
‘ I am a Brahmin by birth, not by Knowledge, but still a Brahmin for my ancestors have been good Brahmins .
My Mother tongue is Tamil,
As a Brahmin my father tongue is Sanskrit.
Therefore, it does not matter for a Brahmin which State he belongs to because He is a Brahmin”
The Acharya called the man and said,
‘Yajnayopaveeda aaki barubavarathra eethara kelu beda,
Do not these questions of those who come here with Yagnyopaveeda”(Sacred Thread)
That’s it.
Do not look for same sects, State, Language.
A Brahmin will do.
I observe that people conduct reception before the wedding day.
This is wrong.
If some one of the pair dies after Reception before marriage, what is the status of either of them?
The habit of clapping of hands after Mangalya Dharana, it is prohibited.
The habit of shaking hands with the couple after Mangalya Dharana before Aseervatha is a Taboo.
In Hinduism . the ‘Handing Over’ Panigrahana is Sacred and the hands of the couple are not to be touched by others till Aseervatha.
Some more thoughts might follow.
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Embrace the changing times and adjust accordingly. The word adjust has been thrown umpteen number of times on girls/women. If you have to save the community why cant you adjust to the girls wishes. Remember it is demand vs supply. Women are less and have their pick. It is as simple as that. Instead of ranting about brahmin women just get up from your high horse. I acknowledge rude behaviors on either side. If you keep ranting about one half of the community, you will only alienate them and make them fall into the hands of others. If there are a few wishes from the bride make it happen for your sons sake. ISNT THAT ALL PARENTS OF DAUGHTERS DONE IN THE PAST 2000 years. A special request to all marraigeable brahmin males. Kindly make yourself marketable. Practice smooth talking, be presentable and take care of your physique and health. Everything will fall into place. Dont be entitled or uninformed about current scene.
I just read through this blog and reading between the lines, this is what I gather:
A father, who was probably on top of the world, floating in the clouds just because he had a son, probably mocked at others who had a daughter had to search for a suitable bride for 3 long years ! The girls ( he was keen on), probably the slim, fair, good looking, well educated, professionally qualified, working, privileged, city-bred, with ancestral property didn’t show interest in his son ! Not so fair right.
The only thing that is not clear is why did you not settle for some brahmin girl irrespective of age, size, height, colour, status, education, physical ability and looks. If all that was required was a girl who was brahmin by birth and could deliver kids you needn’t have searched so much at all. But looks like you wanted to make the best deal for your son, and of course it takes quite long to catch a big fish.
This blog is a rant of a person who feels his son is entitled by birth and was born to relieve the burden from another poor dad who has a daughter. Considering this article is quite old, hope both father and son are now happy and hope you are both treating “davam irundu kedacha” daughter-in-law really well.
https://polldaddy.com/js/rating/rating.jsYou are correct. Today’s girls and boys are very arrogant. I know this because I am one of them.
I have done everything. I have been liberal, leftist, feminist, etc… and also tried out love relationships, friends-with benefits, etc. It took me a lot of time to understand that this concept of liberty and/or equality is a total pile of BS. If you do it to some extent, it won’t affect you a lot (you might think)…but once you do it..then your kids will do it even more…and the grandkids even more…and then it will ruin all of society. Being feminist equalist liberal etc. is a surefire way to ruin your next generations.
I can write a lot on this but I don’t have time. There is a scientific truth behind why communities should just function the way they do and why we must respect elders, teachers and not be arrogant. All these leftist and liberal thought streams of today have just one point…”Old conservative generations don’t know jackshit about today’s life…their minds are rusted…take your life into your own hands!” Sorry, but to understand how the human body changes (hormones, stresses, responsibilities, etc.) you need to live it…and that is why elders must be consulted. The west has dropped down into debauchery because they threw away their conservatism…and today their grandkids have broken families. I have myself read a series of high profile scientific western articles suggesting that the opinions of elders matter. The westerners are realizing the issue and changing rapidly while we are adopting their bullshit of equality and feminism in the name of morality.
Pray tell me why aren’t there any poor women who are feminists. Feminism is just a timepass for bourgeois women. They just want to feel good about themselves. They are pampered. They don’t know what it is fight to just survive. Also, they are no different from the institutional conservatives they criticize. Once a woman came to a feminist head of organization and told her a guy is harassing her. The feminist head of organization promised the woman that she will definitely ruin and destroy that guy’s life. Then when she realized that guy’s caste… she was like…”Oh …but he is one of us…we can’t do much against him” … LOL it is all a joke.
Anyways, I cast aside my liberalism, embraced non-institutionalized conservatism …and life has never been more beautiful..for me…my wife (I am happily married now)..and the rest of my family and friends.
https://polldaddy.com/js/rating/rating.jsI just can’t believe what I’ve been reading so far. I’m a brahmin girl myself and I have always been an advocate of equality. I am a person who has been through all the struggles that my husband has been through to get to a place that we’re at right now (FYI we recently got married). We both did our bachelors, worked for a couple of years, did our Masters and struggled to find extremely good jobs and settle down in life, pay back our education loans and also help our parents with their financial challenges. And we are both extremely proud of that!
I am so shocked to see how male chauvinistic this article and a lot of comments that follow it have been. How is it that the girls and their parents always get blamed for your ignorance and sheer lack of awareness. We no longer live in vedic times where women where mostly left to take care of the kids and the household chores irrespective of how intelligent and talented they were. In today’s world, it is absolutely impossible to lead a life where both of them don’t work (unless and until either one of them is super lazy or dominating).
Why is it unfair for the girls to not take care of their parents but it is considered to be a sin for the girl to not take care of the guy’s parents? What if the girl is a only child or I don’t even know if that matters. Are the girl’s parents to be left on the streets?
I can keep asking the questions all day, all night but all that I feel is, no matter how hard we try, there is always a force in the name of culture or elders (definitely not all of them) who keep trying to push us, women down. But the times are changing and we deserve to be treated as equals. Before you comment or write an article like this one, make sure you go through our scriptures and history. People were far more forward thinking than the population that we have now. Change your mindset of how you view girls and things will definitely fall in place. I am not saying that all girls are good/bad, but neither are the guys.
Hello Ramanan sir,
Your article is really reflecting the present situation. And we being sailing in the same boat are frustrated looking matches for my brother. Though our expectations are very simple we are not finding any girl for my brother. And my parents are getting old and we need to complete his marriage.We are facing the same replies mentioned from girl’s side. I know this is personal but we need some help in finding suitable girl for my brother. Please let me know how can I approach you for this. My email id being neeluneels@gmail.com. Expecting a reply.
Please contacted me at ramanan50@mail.com.