Ramanisblog

Tag: technology

  • A Practical Guide To Sexting (For Men Over 30)

    Well, the media is ablaze with stories about a new teen phenomenon known as “sexting.” Apparently, kids today are using their cell phones to take sexy pictures of themselves and then sending them to friends–sometimes with sexy text messages. I have to confess, as someone who went to high school in the 90s, I was a little taken aback by today’s technologically advanced and sexually retarded teens. But as I read these sexting stories (over and over again) I kept thinking one thing: Why just sassy teens? Surely, grown-ups can get on this sexting bandwagon.

    So for the last month, I’ve been learning all I can about sexting from today’s youth in the hopes of applying what I call my “Sexting Technique”™ to every aspect of life. I couldn’t have done it without the help of my young and nubile Facebook friends who were a huge help. For example, did you know that you don’t need to type the word “breasts” or even “boobs” because you can substitute “(.)(.)” Isn’t that sexy? Sure it is, and the world of sexting is filled with fun and wonderful surprises just like that!

    But for those of you brave enough, sexting offers more than mere graphic, written and photographic titillation. And it doesn’t have to be limited to high school buddies or significant others, either. As I will show you, there is hardly an interaction in our daily lives that could not be made better with the addition of sexting.

    JOB INTERVIEWS
    In today’s economy, job applicants need every advantage they can get to secure a job. That means learning everything you can about your interviewer: his experiences with the company, his accomplishments and, of course, his cell phone number. An applicant serious about securing a job through my Sexting Technique™ will do whatever necessary–including going through the interviewer’s old discarded billing statements–to get this vital information. Only then can you have experiences such as these:

    INTERVIEWER
    So I see you’ve freelanced at Cracked.com for almost three years. Tell me, what part of that qualifies you to work here at Union Carbide?

    GLADSTONE
    Well, hmm… I wrote an article about Jessica Simpson being fat that got a lot of Diggs.

    INTERVIEWER
    Yeah, that’s not really what we’re looking for in an industrial chemist. I’m sorry, I just-

    Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates

    INTERVIEWER
    Excuse me, I’m expecting a call from the EPA. Hello? Oh, it’s not a phone call. It’s just a text. That’s odd.

    GLADSTONE
    What is?

    INTERVIEWER
    Oh nothing. Just a weird emoticon type thing from some unknown caller.

    GLADSTONE
    Is it breasts?

    INTERVIEWER
    Excuse me?

    GLADSTONE
    The text. Is it breasts? I bet it’s breasts, isn’t it?

    Interviewer looks at cell phone.

    INTERVIEWER
    Well, it’s an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neat… But how did you know that?

    GLADSTONE
    Perhaps, I could answer you best in this way….

    Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates.

    INTERVIEWER
    Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….

    GLADSTONE
    (coyly)
    I don’t know. Is it me? It could be….

    INTERVIEWER
    You realize I’m not gay, right? And even if I were, what you’re doing is wildly inappropriate.

    GLADSTONE
    Sir, I assure you. I’m not gay either. But that’s how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.

    INTERVIEWER
    So serious that you’d pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?

    GLADSTONE
    That’s one way to say it. Here’s another.

    Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewer’s phone vibrates again.

    INTERVIEWER
    (reading)
    U R Hawt? What does that even mean?

    GLADSTONE
    It’s text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?

    INTERVIEWER
    Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. I’m going to do two things: First I’m going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, I’m going to call security.

    GLADSTONE
    Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?

    INTERVIEWER
    I didn’t offer you the job.

    GLADSTONE
    OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .

    Gladstone texts. Interviewer’s phone buzzes.

    INTERVIEWER
    (reading text)
    A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? You’re standing right there. Why didn’t you just wink at me for real?!

    GLADSTONE
    Would you like me to wink at you, sir? Is that what you’re saying? Sssh. Don’t answer. I’ll go. I’ll wait for your offer… by text message.

    ORDERING AT McDONALD’S
    Ever notice how hard it is to get good service at a McDonald’s drive-thru? To the minimum wage employee inside, you’re just another faceless customer, soliciting the fast food conglomerate’s pre-molded culinary wares. A cold impersonal experience. But it doesn’t have to be. After all, a drive-thru menu is actually a lot like a cell phone! I mean, it has a camera, a microphone for talking and a speaker for listening. And when Apple unrolls its Big Mac application in 2010, there will hardly be any difference between the devices at all. So why not apply my Sexting Technique™ to your advantage?

    EMPLOYEE
    Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?

    GLADSTONE
    Can you see me?

    EMPLOYEE
    What?

    GLADSTONE
    Can you see me?

    EMPLOYEE
    Yes?

    GLADSTONE
    Good then let me open my car door and ask you a question: What kind of pants am I wearing?

    EMPLOYEE
    What kind of pants? I don’t- oh, dear God! You’re not wearing pants.

    GLADSTONE
    That’s right, baby. Why don’t you take off that headset and come supersize me?

    EMPLOYEE
    Please sir, I’ll be forced to get my manager.

    GLADSTONE
    Oh, no can do, baby. I want you all to myself… unless–how sexist of me–is your manager… a lady?

    EMPLOYEE
    Please just order something, sir. You must see something you want.

    GLADSTONE
    Oh, I do. What’s your cell phone number?

    EMPLOYEE
    Look, if I just give you a Big Mac, will you please go away?

    GLADSTONE
    I think you’ve already given me a Big Mac, if you know what I mean.

    EMPLOYEE
    Ugh. Gross.

    GLADSTONE
    I mean my penis.

    EMPLOYEE
    I know what you mean. Please, just drive up, take your free food and get out of here.

    AT CONFESSION
    If you’re anything like me, you’re surely going to Hell. Yes, fire and brimstone await you for a lifetime of sins all of which have only increased exponentially in this technological age. That’s why the need for Catholicism and its “get out of eternal damnation free” cards are more important than ever. But as about half the congregants in those confessionals are likely owning up to sins they committed online–from illegal downloads, to eBay scams, to harassing old flames on Facebook even after being defriended–it occurred to me that the confessional could use a 21st century update. That’s right, you’re way ahead of me: sexting!

    GLADSTONE
    Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been forever since my last confession.

    PRIEST
    Why is that my son?

    GLADSTONE
    I’m not a Catholic.

    PRIEST
    I see. Well, would you like a personal relationship with Jesus?

    GLADSTONE
    I would, but I don’t have his cell.

    Priest’s cell vibrates.

    PRIEST
    I’m sorry, son. I forgot to shut off my phone

    GLADSTONE
    No, that’s OK, Father. Please. Answer it.

    PRIEST
    No, now is not the time.

    GLADSTONE
    It’s from me. I’m shy. Please read it.

    PRIEST
    Oh very well. (reading) “I’ve been a naughty boy?”

    GLADSTONE
    Very.

    PRIEST
    How, my son?

    Priest’s cell vibrates.

    PRIEST
    Again with the text? Very well. (looks at cell) Why did you just send me a picture of a man in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….

    GLADSTONE
    I think I’m addicted to sexting, Father. Ya see, sexting is…

    PRIEST
    I know what sexting is, my son. And no good can come from it.

    GLADSTONE
    Well, I did just get a free Big Mac on the way over here so…

    PRIEST
    What do you say in your sexts?

    GLADSTONE
    Well sometimes, I do sexts like this:

    Priest’s phone buzzes

    PRIEST
    The boobs graphic? That’s not really a sext. That’s… well that’s just a retarded emoticon. Are you sure you really know what you’re doing?

    GLADSTONE
    Hey, how do you know so much about sexting? Aren’t you supposed to be a priest?

    PRIEST
    Um, they had a course… at seminary.

    GLADSTONE
    You sext, don’t you!

    PRIEST
    I do not. Stop this nonsense or-

    GLADSTONE
    Or what? You’ll take me to the rectory?

    PRIEST
    That’s kind of a long way to go for a joke, don’t you think?

    GLADSTONE
    Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Father. I’m kind of lost here.

    PRIEST
    How so?

    GLADSTONE
    This whole sext column seemed like a good idea, at first, and now well, I don’t really have an ending.

    PRIEST
    Yeah, most Internet columns are like that. Many skits too.

    GLADSTONE
    Yeah.

    PRIEST
    Wanna make a joke about me being a pedophile?

    GLADSTONE
    Nah. Too easy. Besides, you seem like a nice enough priest. I mean, for a fictional character.

    PRIEST
    Thanks. I try.

    GLADSTONE
    I should probably just do some penance or something.

    PRIEST
    For the sexting?

    GLADSTONE
    No. For starting a column I couldn’t finish.

    PRIEST
    OK, tell you what. For penance, why don’t you send me the other half of that shower pic and we’ll call it a day?

    GLADSTONE
    I thought we agreed that joke’s too easy.

    PRIEST
    It is, but you’re in a bind, and being compassionate is part of my job.

    GLADSTONE
    Gee thanks, Father!

    PRIEST
    Besides, you didn’t make the joke. I did.

    GLADSTONE
    Well, yeah, sorta, but…

    PRIEST
    Don’t sweat it, Gladstone. It’s just the Internet.
    http://digg.com/d31C5bp

  • A Review of the Pirated Copy of Windows 7 I Bought On eBay

    The official release of Windows 7 is only a few weeks away, and if you’re anything like me, you’re probably asking yourself what effect this will have on your lives. Will the gates of Heaven open up and a consort of large breasted angels descend to guide you into computing heaven? Or will it be more of a low key affair, maybe involving the cast of Friends and a degrading video?

    So I decided to apply my powerful brain to the problem, and find out what Windows 7 would mean for you, the average user. With only pre-release versions and betas available for download, to get a copy of the actual release version, I had to turn to eBay, where leaked copies have shown up recently. $150 and two days later, a package of bubble wrapped, technological delights arrived on my doorstep. I giddily tore open the packaging to reveal the contents.

    Son. Of. A. Bitch.

    Also included, but not pictured, was a small note from the seller, making some pretty inflammatory claims about my mental capacity. I took the matter up with eBay Fraud Protection, but they had similarly unkind things to say about my Internet savvy, only they used longer words. So, my attempts to get my money back from UR_a_Ediot67 were at a standstill. Unfortunately, I still had a column to produce, and as “23 Reasons Punching a Wall Really Hurts” didn’t have the sort of broad appeal I normally like to include in my articles, I decided to plow ahead with my original plan. So below I present my review of “Windows 7.”

    Installation
    Very difficult. The install for Windows 7 comes on four floppy disks, and as my laptop doesn’t have a floppy drive, I was worried I’d have to travel 10 years into the past to find a computer that did. Fortunately, my local Best Buy was offering a USB floppy drive for $80, which, not withstanding certain recent software purchases, struck me as the greatest ripoff the world has ever seen. I’d advise anyone wanting to install Windows 7 on their own machine should make sure their hardware can support it.

    After that rocky start, the rest of the installation went relatively smooth, although I had to fiddle with the BIOS settings to get the floppy to boot. I chose to install all the options, including something called Microsoft Fax, simply because it sounded fucking amazing. After the install, the computer rebooted without incident, and I was up and running.

    Hardware Support
    Terrible. I don’t have any particular exotic hardware on my system, but Windows 7 still struggled to find drivers for basically everything. Screen resolution was limited to 640 x 480, and my external mouse didn’t work because apparently Windows 7 doesn’t have USB support. Bizarre. I’ll spare you the details of what I had to do to get the wireless working, but let’s just say it involved 27 hours of crying.

    Finally got the Internet working!

    Included Software
    Windows 7 comes packaged with Internet Explorer 2.0, which I will admit to being a little disappointed with. It can render text and images however, which if you think about it, is probably the most important 40 percent of the Internet anyways.

    The flying Window icon lets you know the Internet is working.

    Set Up The Microsoft Network
    Right in the desktop was a link to something called “The Microsoft Network” which the instruction manual promised would provide the unheard of ability to use chat rooms or check the weather. Unfortunately, the set up didn’t seem to work–it evidently requires a phone line to work, and I don’t actually have one of those. So be advised that to fully utilize Windows 7, and experience all of its weather checking glory, you’ll require some pretty specialized telecom equipment.

    Long File Names
    While checking the manual, I noticed that it also promised that Windows 7 would be able to handle long file names. I honestly didn’t know we were limited before, but I guess this isn’t a bad thing.

    Long file name

    My Briefcase
    This is a little synchronization tool that lets you keep files in sync across multiple computers when transferring files by floppy. I don’t have any other computers with a floppy drive, so couldn’t test it out, but I guess this would be a useful tool for the Amish.

    Start Button
    The classic Windows Start button is back, and it works pretty much the same as you’re used to. You click it, and a list of programs comes up in a branching menu. If you can’t figure that out, no amount of Matthew Perry videos will help you.

    Taskbar
    The venerable old taskbar is back in Windows 7, looking a little retro, but otherwise in good shape. Definitely a “If it’s not broke, don’t fix it” situation here. Curiously, the useful Quick Launch bar seems to have disappeared. I guess with limited room on the floppies, space had to be made for the popular Microsoft Fax.

    Windows Explorer
    I was very disappointed with this. The improvements made to the most recent version of Explorer were one of the bright points of the whole Vista debacle. The version on display here in Windows 7 is remarkably spartan, lacking many features users look for, like thumbnail previews or frequently used shortcuts. I think Microsoft definitely crapped the bed on this one.

    Multitasking
    I was very impressed here. To test performance, I ran a stress test consisting of a word document, two Internet Explorer windows and Minesweeper. Everything worked pretty smoothly.

    Stability
    Terrible. Possibly related to the previously mentioned hardware difficulties, I found stability to be a real issue with Windows 7. Crashes were frequent, including Blue Screens of Death. Error messages were cryptic and meaningless to me – see below.

    Overall
    In general I was highly disappointed with Windows 7. Although performance has improved since Vista, major features appear to have been lopped off the OS to meet these performance marks. Additionally, the hardware incompatibility and stability issues that have long plagued Microsoft OS releases appear to back in full force. Unless you’re one of those deviants who always has to have the latest OS, or have very specialized faxing needs, I’d strongly recommend avoiding Windows 7 until at least the first Service Pack is released.

    http://digg.com/d31C5bp

  • Mother Updates Twitter As Son Lies Dying

    Well…what can one say.I can only pray that she can live with her stupidity.
    A mother posted updates on Twitter as rescue workers tried to save her dying son.

    One of the tweets Shellie Ross posted on Twitter as medics fought to save her son
    Shellie Ross sent out a message on Twitter asking her followers “please pray like never before, my 2 yr old fell in the pool” as paramedics tried to revive her son Bryson after he was found floating face down in a swimming pool.
    Five hours later, when her son was pronounced dead, she went back on to the Twitter site to update her 5,000 followers, posting “Remembering my million dollar baby”.
    Moments later, she posted a photo of her son on the site, but her use of Twitter as her son lay dying has provoked outrage among the blogging community in the US.
    Police in Florida said they were aware of the ‘tweets’ and would be looking into them as part of their investigation into the drowning.
    “I didn’t tweet-by-tweet the accident.”
    Shellie Ross defends her Twitter posts
    Many were shocked that she chose to use the social networking site to reveal something so deeply personal.
    “The first thing I thought when I saw the tweet was that it was very sad,” said online poster Madison McGraw.
    “But then I thought, ‘Who would tweet that her son just drowned?’ I couldn’t believe it.”
    Mrs Ross, who is married to a US airman and used the tweet name of “Military-Mom”, sent out a message at 5.22pm on Monday which read:”Fog is rolling in thick scared the birds back in the coop.”
    She and her 11-year-old son had been cleaning out a chicken coup while Bryson played in the garden.

    Twitter row mum Shellie Ross
    A minute later police in Mirrett Island, Florida, said they received an emergency call from Mrs Ross’s 11-year-old son saying that his brother was floating unconscious in their pool.
    Police spokesman Lt Bruce Barnett said Mrs Ross had asked her older son to turn off a hose inside the pool enclosure but the gate behind him did not close properly.
    “When Ross finished cleaning she went inside and was looking for the two-year-old, who she thought was with her 11-year-old, and wasn’t able to find him and started to panic,” he said. “That’s when she found him floating.”
    Lt Barnett said Mrs Ross said her son was in the water for “maybe five minutes” and performed CPR on her son before paramedics arrived.
    Mrs Ross defended her use of Twitter. “Nobody has a right to question” why she tweeted, she said, adding: “I didn’t tweet-by-tweet the accident.”
    The messages and photos were later removed from the website and Mrs Ross has now made her Twitter account private.
    http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/America-Shellie-Ross-Tweets-On-Twitter-As-Paramedics-Battle-To-Save-Dying-Son-In-Florida/Article/200912315503667?DCMP=EMC-news_OBU

  • The ten most exciting tools to hit the life sciences this year.

    It’s been a tough year for every industry, and the life sciences are no exception. Yet companies and academic laboratories across the globe have developed innumerable new products designed to take your research to the next level. But with many lab budgets tighter than last year, which technologies are worth the investment?

    That’s why, for the second year in a row, we have gathered a panel of expert judges to pick the year’s best innovations to hit the life sciences market in the past year. This year’s winners run the gamut from imaging, genomics, and other tools that stunningly capture both intracellular and extracellular processes. Our judges—Steven Wiley, Jean Wang, Shawn Levy, and David Piston—are all known for pushing the technical boundaries, and have collectively published more than 600 academic papers.

    It may have been a tough year for industry in general, but it was a great one for life science innovation.
    http://www.the-scientist.com/2009/12/1/41/1/

  • Desperate dad’s Google delivery

    Advantage of Technology.Sometimes, most of the information on the same subject are contradictory, for example refer excessive lactation-diet.Under the circumstances it is prudent to call in the Doctor and browsed information must be kept for reference after cross verification.

    FRANTIC father Leroy Smith resorted to Google with the request “how to deliver a baby” when his wife went into labour.

    When wife Emma suddenly started to give birth at home, he opted to use the internet. Mr Smith called a midwife for advice, but before she arrived Emma, 25, began having powerful contractions.

    So the 29-year-old father of three grabbed hold of his BlackBerry, accessed the internet, and sought help from search engine Google for step-by-step instructions.

    After following the guidance from internet encyclopedia Wikipedia, Mr Smith helped his wife give birth to daughter Mahalia Merita Angela Smith.

    “I was very, very nervous. I never thought I’d actually have to do it. The BlackBerry told me that when I saw the head, I had to support it,” Mr Smith said.

    Proud mum-of-four Emma, of Leytonstone, East London, said: “It’s incredible that Leroy delivered our first daughter. The other three are boys.

    “And thank God for the BlackBerry, I’m never going to moan at Leroy about being on the phone again.”
    http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,26470820-5013016,00.html