Well, the media is ablaze with stories about a new teen phenomenon known as “sexting.” Apparently, kids today are using their cell phones to take sexy pictures of themselves and then sending them to friends–sometimes with sexy text messages. I have to confess, as someone who went to high school in the 90s, I was a little taken aback by today’s technologically advanced and sexually retarded teens. But as I read these sexting stories (over and over again) I kept thinking one thing: Why just sassy teens? Surely, grown-ups can get on this sexting bandwagon.
So for the last month, I’ve been learning all I can about sexting from today’s youth in the hopes of applying what I call my “Sexting Technique”™ to every aspect of life. I couldn’t have done it without the help of my young and nubile Facebook friends who were a huge help. For example, did you know that you don’t need to type the word “breasts” or even “boobs” because you can substitute “(.)(.)” Isn’t that sexy? Sure it is, and the world of sexting is filled with fun and wonderful surprises just like that!
But for those of you brave enough, sexting offers more than mere graphic, written and photographic titillation. And it doesn’t have to be limited to high school buddies or significant others, either. As I will show you, there is hardly an interaction in our daily lives that could not be made better with the addition of sexting.
JOB INTERVIEWS
In today’s economy, job applicants need every advantage they can get to secure a job. That means learning everything you can about your interviewer: his experiences with the company, his accomplishments and, of course, his cell phone number. An applicant serious about securing a job through my Sexting Technique™ will do whatever necessary–including going through the interviewer’s old discarded billing statements–to get this vital information. Only then can you have experiences such as these:
INTERVIEWER
So I see you’ve freelanced at Cracked.com for almost three years. Tell me, what part of that qualifies you to work here at Union Carbide?
GLADSTONE
Well, hmm… I wrote an article about Jessica Simpson being fat that got a lot of Diggs.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, that’s not really what we’re looking for in an industrial chemist. I’m sorry, I just-
Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me, I’m expecting a call from the EPA. Hello? Oh, it’s not a phone call. It’s just a text. That’s odd.
GLADSTONE
What is?
INTERVIEWER
Oh nothing. Just a weird emoticon type thing from some unknown caller.
GLADSTONE
Is it breasts?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
GLADSTONE
The text. Is it breasts? I bet it’s breasts, isn’t it?
Interviewer looks at cell phone.
INTERVIEWER
Well, it’s an open paren, period, closed paren, and then the series of symbols is repeated again. Oh hey! I guess that does look like breasts. Neat… But how did you know that?
GLADSTONE
Perhaps, I could answer you best in this way….
Gladstone pushes a few buttons on his cell phone. Interviewer’s cell phone vibrates.
INTERVIEWER
Why did you just forward me a picture of a dude in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE
(coyly)
I don’t know. Is it me? It could be….
INTERVIEWER
You realize I’m not gay, right? And even if I were, what you’re doing is wildly inappropriate.
GLADSTONE
Sir, I assure you. I’m not gay either. But that’s how serious I am about working here at Union Carbide.
INTERVIEWER
So serious that you’d pretend to be gay to straight man in a way that is unacceptable regardless of sexual orientation?
GLADSTONE
That’s one way to say it. Here’s another.
Gladstone sexts furiously on his cell. Interviewer’s phone vibrates again.
INTERVIEWER
(reading)
U R Hawt? What does that even mean?
GLADSTONE
It’s text-speak or sext-speak. All the kids are doing it, old timer! So do I get the job?
INTERVIEWER
Mr. Gladstone, I want you to listen closely. I’m going to do two things: First I’m going to drop my phone into the vat of hydrochloric acid we keep in Sector C. And then, I’m going to call security.
GLADSTONE
Security? I would think my job orientation would start with Human Resources?
INTERVIEWER
I didn’t offer you the job.
GLADSTONE
OK. Not yet. But call me. I know you have the number. . .
Gladstone texts. Interviewer’s phone buzzes.
INTERVIEWER
(reading text)
A semi colon followed by a closed parenthetical? You’re standing right there. Why didn’t you just wink at me for real?!
GLADSTONE
Would you like me to wink at you, sir? Is that what you’re saying? Sssh. Don’t answer. I’ll go. I’ll wait for your offer… by text message.
ORDERING AT McDONALD’S
Ever notice how hard it is to get good service at a McDonald’s drive-thru? To the minimum wage employee inside, you’re just another faceless customer, soliciting the fast food conglomerate’s pre-molded culinary wares. A cold impersonal experience. But it doesn’t have to be. After all, a drive-thru menu is actually a lot like a cell phone! I mean, it has a camera, a microphone for talking and a speaker for listening. And when Apple unrolls its Big Mac application in 2010, there will hardly be any difference between the devices at all. So why not apply my Sexting Technique™ to your advantage?
EMPLOYEE
Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?
GLADSTONE
Can you see me?
EMPLOYEE
What?
GLADSTONE
Can you see me?
EMPLOYEE
Yes?
GLADSTONE
Good then let me open my car door and ask you a question: What kind of pants am I wearing?
EMPLOYEE
What kind of pants? I don’t- oh, dear God! You’re not wearing pants.
GLADSTONE
That’s right, baby. Why don’t you take off that headset and come supersize me?
EMPLOYEE
Please sir, I’ll be forced to get my manager.
GLADSTONE
Oh, no can do, baby. I want you all to myself… unless–how sexist of me–is your manager… a lady?
EMPLOYEE
Please just order something, sir. You must see something you want.
GLADSTONE
Oh, I do. What’s your cell phone number?
EMPLOYEE
Look, if I just give you a Big Mac, will you please go away?
GLADSTONE
I think you’ve already given me a Big Mac, if you know what I mean.
EMPLOYEE
Ugh. Gross.
GLADSTONE
I mean my penis.
EMPLOYEE
I know what you mean. Please, just drive up, take your free food and get out of here.
AT CONFESSION
If you’re anything like me, you’re surely going to Hell. Yes, fire and brimstone await you for a lifetime of sins all of which have only increased exponentially in this technological age. That’s why the need for Catholicism and its “get out of eternal damnation free” cards are more important than ever. But as about half the congregants in those confessionals are likely owning up to sins they committed online–from illegal downloads, to eBay scams, to harassing old flames on Facebook even after being defriended–it occurred to me that the confessional could use a 21st century update. That’s right, you’re way ahead of me: sexting!
GLADSTONE
Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It’s been forever since my last confession.
PRIEST
Why is that my son?
GLADSTONE
I’m not a Catholic.
PRIEST
I see. Well, would you like a personal relationship with Jesus?
GLADSTONE
I would, but I don’t have his cell.
Priest’s cell vibrates.
PRIEST
I’m sorry, son. I forgot to shut off my phone
GLADSTONE
No, that’s OK, Father. Please. Answer it.
PRIEST
No, now is not the time.
GLADSTONE
It’s from me. I’m shy. Please read it.
PRIEST
Oh very well. (reading) “I’ve been a naughty boy?”
GLADSTONE
Very.
PRIEST
How, my son?
Priest’s cell vibrates.
PRIEST
Again with the text? Very well. (looks at cell) Why did you just send me a picture of a man in a shower? Wait. Is that you? And if so, you might want to consider waxing….
GLADSTONE
I think I’m addicted to sexting, Father. Ya see, sexting is…
PRIEST
I know what sexting is, my son. And no good can come from it.
GLADSTONE
Well, I did just get a free Big Mac on the way over here so…
PRIEST
What do you say in your sexts?
GLADSTONE
Well sometimes, I do sexts like this:
Priest’s phone buzzes
PRIEST
The boobs graphic? That’s not really a sext. That’s… well that’s just a retarded emoticon. Are you sure you really know what you’re doing?
GLADSTONE
Hey, how do you know so much about sexting? Aren’t you supposed to be a priest?
PRIEST
Um, they had a course… at seminary.
GLADSTONE
You sext, don’t you!
PRIEST
I do not. Stop this nonsense or-
GLADSTONE
Or what? You’ll take me to the rectory?
PRIEST
That’s kind of a long way to go for a joke, don’t you think?
GLADSTONE
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Father. I’m kind of lost here.
PRIEST
How so?
GLADSTONE
This whole sext column seemed like a good idea, at first, and now well, I don’t really have an ending.
PRIEST
Yeah, most Internet columns are like that. Many skits too.
GLADSTONE
Yeah.
PRIEST
Wanna make a joke about me being a pedophile?
GLADSTONE
Nah. Too easy. Besides, you seem like a nice enough priest. I mean, for a fictional character.
PRIEST
Thanks. I try.
GLADSTONE
I should probably just do some penance or something.
PRIEST
For the sexting?
GLADSTONE
No. For starting a column I couldn’t finish.
PRIEST
OK, tell you what. For penance, why don’t you send me the other half of that shower pic and we’ll call it a day?
GLADSTONE
I thought we agreed that joke’s too easy.
PRIEST
It is, but you’re in a bind, and being compassionate is part of my job.
GLADSTONE
Gee thanks, Father!
PRIEST
Besides, you didn’t make the joke. I did.
GLADSTONE
Well, yeah, sorta, but…
PRIEST
Don’t sweat it, Gladstone. It’s just the Internet.
http://digg.com/d31C5bp
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