Ramanisblog

Tag: Parenting

  • Was Lord Krishna an Irresponsible Father?

    I have received a comment on Lord Krishna being an irresponsible father, asking me for an explanation.

    I have reproduced the comment towards the close of the article.

    The comment has two parts.

    One,Lord Krishna being an irresponsible father

    and

    Upbringing of children today.

    Hinduism is a practical Religion.

    It understands obligations and also the limitations of people in changing others,even it be they are of your Blood.

    Before understanding the behaviour of Lord Rama, Krishna,one must understand the approach of Hinduism on Patenting.

    ‘

    It does not accord Parenting any special place or does it ignore it.

    It treats as a routine affair of Life and treats is such…..

    It considers all these as a Natural process and one need not be overly concerned about this as such.

    The Vedas offer basic Guide lines.

    1.Dharmachara, Righteous Conduct.

    Behavior should be according to the Dharma, Moral Principle.

    Parents are expected to behave he way they expect their children to behave towards them or others when they become adults.

    Parents are prohibited from using vulgar language or the use of harsh words in front of their children.

    2.Dharma Svagriha.

    Worship at Home.

    Parents should set an examples of following the Anushtaanas laid down for them in the Shastras.

    Parenting in Hinduism

    Beyond these guidelines one does not find anything much about Parenting in Hinduism.

    Apart from laying the foundation to be a good Human being,by setting a personal example and sending to a a teacher of impeccable character and learning,parents in Hinduism do not interfere.

    There is a saying in Dharma SASTRA.

    ‘Treat your son as

    A King till till Five,

    Treat as a slave till 15, and as

    A friend thereafter.

    Stages of Life in an individual is classified into four.

    Brahmacharya,the Celibate stage,

    Gruhastha, Married Stage,

    Vanaprastha,Stage of leaving the family affairs to the eldest and leaving for Forest to meditate on Reality with spouse if she desires, and

    Sanyasa,total Renunciation.

    Aware of the fact that one can not do much to change one’s Swabhava, Natural disposition,people limited themselves to what is possible and stopped at that.

    They did not set impossible goals in Life, including changing others,even it be wife or children.

    One performs as his Swabhava.

    This is reflected in ancient social life.

    Take Lord Ram’s case.

    He obeyed his parents unconditionally.

    He loved his relatives,be it Lakshman or Bharatha.

    He was accessible to his devotees, like Hanuman.

    He was harsh towards his enemies,Ravana.

    Yet the reason for all this is Dharma, loosely translated as Righteousness.

    Rama performed all these actions so long as they were in conformity with Dharma.

    The moment an instance is against Dharma,he would not hesitate to be against people whom he loves dearest.

    He sent a pregnant Sita Away from home, because there was a slur,though he knew it was false.

    He resorted to this step as as A King His Dharma is to set an example for His subjects however painful the act could be for him

    He fought against his sons and Hanuman as it would be a bad example as a King to have his children and devotee to raise against him , however justified they might have been from their standpoint.

    Once the issue was resolved he took them back.

    Dharma was the cardinal principle and not relationships.

    Relationships belong to Apara Vidya stage,lower Knowledge.

    Para Supreme knowledge is by following scriptures and Dharma.

    While Rama followed Karma Yoga,the Path of Knowledge thus,Lord Krishna belongs to another Higher level in performing Karma.

    Rama had a conscious goal while performing can action and was looking forward to its results being favourable to him, Krishna had no such thoughts.

    He performed an action because it ought to be performed, period.

    It did not matter to Krishna who ruled Among Pandavas or Kauravas,both being his relatives:he would not an inch of land from either of them or any other favour,not that Krishna needed anything from anyone!

    Yet he took the side of Pandavas for it was Dharma to be with just cause.

    Krishna practiced what he preached in Bhagavad-Gita.

    Renouncing the determination of the fruits of His actions.

    Karma Sankalpa Thyaga.

    Lord Rama was not in the same league,he practised one aspect of Karma Yoga.

    As to Samba.

    The incidents narrated are found in The Vishnu Purana as well.

    One additional information.

    After Samba was cursed, the Rishis came to Krishna and sought His forgiveness for their act in cursing his son,Samba.

    Krishna replied,

    ‘ Why do you worry?

    You have done your Dharma.

    I should reap the consequence of my action in Rama Avatar,of killing Vaali from Behind a tree.

    I should face the consequences for that.

    The Yadava Vamsa is growing by leaps and bounds and it should stop to reduce the weight,Basra of Bhoomi,earth.

    And I should have an excuse to shed this Body.

    You have obliged me by cursing Samba’

    That’s it.

    While we remember Samba,who was a bad apple,how many know of Pradyumna Krishna’s other son,who was valiant and built a city in Port Barzhyn in Russia,which has been found?

    Everyone has one’s destiny.

    Shall write on present day parenting.

    ‘

    The comment I received.

    Namaste. Devdutt patnaik is raising questions as below. Need help to respond pls.
    One of the most disturbing stories that we find in the Puranas is the story of Krishna’s son Samba, whose mother was the bear-princess, Jambavati.

    He dupes his father’s junior wives by disguising himself as Krishna and is cursed by Krishna that he will suffer from a skin disease that will enable his wives to distinguish father and son. Samba is cured after he builds temples to the sun. All sun temples in India, from Konark in Odisha to Modhera in Gujarat to Markand in Kashmir, are attributed to this son of Krishna.

    Samba also attempts to kidnap Duryodhana’s daughter and this leads to war between the Kauravas and the Yadavas. Peace is restored, and the marriage is solemnised, only after Balarama, Krishna’s elder brother, and Samba’s uncle, in a fit of fury threatens to drag Hastinapur into the sea.

    Then there is the story of Samba pretending to be a pregnant woman and duping sages who were visiting Dwaraka. They sages were not amused and cursed Samba that he would give birth to an iron mace that would be responsible for the end of the Yadu clan.

    Must not Krishna’s son be as noble and divine and wise and loving as Krishna? But that is not so. Samba comes with his own personality and his own destiny over which Krishna has no influence. Or does he?

    Can we wonder if Samba was a product of his father’s neglect? For was not Krishna spending most of his time with Arjuna and the Pandavas and in the politics of Kuru-kshetra?

    There are hardly any stories of Krishna as father. He is friend, philosopher and guide to Arjuna, but the only stories of father and son are of tension, rage and violence.

    In conversations about corporates, we often forget about the other half of our lives, the personal one. As more and more people are working 24×7, thanks to Internet, and smart devices, the lines between professional and personal, work and life are getting blurred. In fact, people feel noble when they sacrifice family for work and guilty when they take a holiday to take care of their family.

    Family is not seen as achievement. Children are not seen as purpose. They are seen as obligations, duties, by-products of existence, even collateral damage.

    We admire leaders who sacrifice family for a ‘larger’ cause. Like freedom fighters who neglect their wives and children. Like business men and entrepreneurs and consultants who spend most of their time in office.

    With the rise of feminism, women are also working. Parenting has been outsourced to maids, teachers, computers, videogames and grandparents.

    Women who work in the office have not been compensated by their husbands spending more time at home. Instead women are made to feel guilty for not being good mothers. No one questions men for not being good fathers. Eventually, the office wins. Absent parents rationalise how office is more important than the children: we need the money, the children eventually grow up, surely our needs are also important.

    Many great Krishnas in the workplace discover that they have nurtured Samba at home: sons who either follow destructive paths as they seek attention, or sons who make their way away from parents, as they have grown used to not having them around. Who wins?

    Corporates were supposed to create wealth for the family. Now families are creating only workers for the corporates.

    We have many more Krishnas in this generation and maybe many Sambas in the next.

    As written *By Devdutt Pattanaik*

    Thought Provoking …

    👆

  • Father Unacknowledged Unrecognised Species

    Father is an unrecognized and unacknowledged species.
    None deems it fit to give credit to Father.

    Father is perceived to be tough , uncompromising  disciplinarian who takes a sadistic pleasure while bringing up children.

    image

    He is generally termed as irresponsible and but for the Mother , children would not be what they are.

    Mother understands and accommodates but a Father ,
    Never!?

    Father is one who remains in the background, taking all the blame, his intention being the welfare of the children, not popularity.

    He sacrifices without being aware of it.

    He understands.

    But never expresses.

    Nor does he seek assurances from children that they love him.

    When it is time for children to be independent he does not demur.

    Nor does he interfere in his children’s relationship with their Spouses.

    Nor does he expect any thing from his children’s Spouses.

    He is not free with his children’ s money, he is more careful with it.

    When the child is in the womb, he might not carry the child,

    Carries in the Heart.

    When the child is ill he does not panic, but attends to it sans hysterics.

    When the child does not get himself established in Life , he does not express it, but remains  more hurt than what he would have been, had he not established himself.
    He is proud when his children turn out better than him.

    ‘ The benefit which a father should confer on his son is to give him precedence in the assembly of the learned.’

    ‘
    தந்தை மகற்காற்று நன்றி அவையத்து
    முந்தி இருப்பச் செயல்.
    Thirukkural by Thiruvalluvar.
    Happy Fathers Day.

    Image Credit.

    http://www.bustle.com/articles/27813-9-fathers-day-poems-thatll-make-you-and-your-dad-tear-up

  • Thank You My Son

    Many People often leave the world without thanking those who deserve it.

    One of the fundamentals of any religion is gratitude.

    Thirukkural says,

    எந்நன்றி கொன்றார்க்கும் உய்வுண்டாம் உய்வில்லை
    செய்ந்நன்றி கொன்ற மகற்கு.

    எந்நன்றி கொன்றார்க்கும் உய்வு உண்டாம் – பெரிய அறங்களைச் சிதைத்தார்க்கும் பாவத்தின் நீங்கும் வாயில் உண்டாம்; செய்ந்நன்றி கொன்ற மகற்கு உய்வு இல்லை – ஒருவன் செய்த நன்றியைச் சிதைத்த மகனுக்கு அஃது இல்லை. (பெரிய அறங்களைச் சிதைத்தலாவது, ஆன்முலை அறுத்தலும், மகளிர் கருவினைச் சிதைத்தலும், பார்ப்பார்த்தப்புதலும் (புறநா.34) முதலிய பாதகங்களைச் செய்தல். இதனால் செய்ந்நன்றி கோறலின் கொடுமை கூறப்பட்டது.).

    There is no salvation for those who forget  Gratitude.

    Here I do not take the meaning of Parimel Azhakar for the word ‘Makarkku’ meaning son, but the meaning people.

    Often in Life we do not adequately thank people.

    It is a slur on the Soul.

    I am not very demonstrative in showing my emotions, even to my children.

    I am of the view that love for the others would be felt by those who are loved .

    They need not be vocalized.

    But I belong to old school where the term Love was not even uttered in relationships and they were/are a part of the Being.

    My father was the least emotional Man I have come across.

    He would never express himself.

    But Psychologists would say repressed emotions might lead to stress.

    But my father was never stressed.

    When my paternal grandfather died , his body was lying, my father was sitting an as Easy chair displaying no emotion.

    I was around 12 or 13 then.

    I remember asking him as to why he was not crying as others, he  replied if some one would guarantee that his father would come back alive , he would definitely cry!

    When my mother died, with whom my father has lived for over 50 years, he just woke me up at the dead of the night, told me’

    ‘Your mother just died, you go to sleep and we shall see in the morning!

    But , after the death of my mother, my father who weighed at 130 Kg.came down to 65 in a matter of six months.

    During this period he  never spoke a word about my mother.

    Probably I belong to those people who never exhibit emotions.

    My Daughter in law says that I am the most  unromantic person she has ever seen!

    Many of my friends say that I am cold.

    Excepting to those whom I am close with.

    Notwithstanding this, it is time I record my sentiments, though my son would say sentiments are non sense.

    But isn’t Life all about all sentiments?

    I may not be expressive but I know that sentiments make one live through the Life.

    My son is very sensitive and never expresses himself.

    He is more rational, according to him.

    But behind this veneer I can detect the undercurrent of affection, love.

    He is close to the family, that’s all.

    And we are close as Friends.

    He has been  taking responsibility of the Family from the time he was 17.

    He never interfered.

    He let me do things my way, despite some objections by him,

    He has made my retired life pleasant by enabling me do things I wanted to do but could not during my working days.

    He never lets me worry about anything.

    Doing research in Hinduism.

    The comfort he gives me gives me time and vigor to do what I want to do.

    I have never appreciated him because I believe, as the Sastras say,never praise your children, point out their faults’

    Parenting is not for popularity .

    It is for their welfare.

    I wish I could have done more for my son.

    I could not.

    I am sorry.

    I have never expressed my appreciation of him, though I am proud of him.

    As I near my death, I am running 65 years, I would not like to depart without saying how much I thank him and love him.

    Thank you Anand, my son.

    Wish I had been as good a Father as you have been /are a son!

  • Hinduism On Children Illegitimate Children

    Hinduism accords importance to Familial relationships.

     

    Duties of each member of the Family is set,Man,Wife,children,Brother,Sister and elders.

     

    However the emphasis  is more on the duties of the son.

     

    Hindu Symbol OM.jpg
    Hindu Symbol OM

     

    Hinduism considers the begetting of a male child to be auspicious as they believe that the son prevents the parents entering the Hell called ‘Puth’

     

    The name for son is Puthra, one who prevents parents from entering Puth.

     

    The Smritis state that a son is to be treated as,

     

    a King till he is Five years old.

     

    as Slave from 5 to Fifteen and

     

    a friend after Fifteen years.

     

    A son is not to be praised in his face.

     

    His mistakes are to be pointed out.

     

    a son has to be educated within one’s  means.

     

    As children can not understand the difficulties of running a family(till they are fifteen No Family affairs are to be discussed with them nor their opinion sought even for their education)

     

    Once they are married all decisions are to be taken after discussing with them, not necessarily following them.

     

    They have to be taught etiquette  and discipline as set forth in the Taittriya Upanishad in Siksha Valli.

     

    The son , when he comes of age is expected to run the family and the parents have to maintain themselves , either by staying in the family or withdrawing to the forest as a vanaprastha.

     

    If the wife is not willing to accompany the husband,she has to be left in the care of the son.

     

    The son  is the Guardian of the Mother.

     

    The son is the next authority in running the Family and he has to take  care of his sisters  and younger brothers as a father.

     

    His wife occupies the next place in the Family after the Mother and Father.

    She is Mother in another form.

     

    The son is to perform the Funeral rites of the Parents.

     

    He shall perform all the duties of  the Father, including  the performance of all Poojas and Rituals prescribed for the Family, after the Seemantha for his wife is performed.

     

    If a Man does not have a child, he has to adopt his daughter’s child as his son.

     

    Following ceremonies are performed for the Son.

     

    1.Punyahavachana.

    2.Namakarana, naming the child.

    3.Ayush Homa till he attains Five Years.

    4.Ear-piercing,Karnabhushana.

    5.Head tonsuring.

    6.Upanayana.

    7.Marriage.

    8.Seemantha for His wife.

     

    Illegitimate children.

     

    Children of an Unmarried woman,

     

    Child of son’s pregnant Bride,

     

    Son of twice married woman,

     

    Son of an adopted daughter,

     

    Adopted son,

     

    All belong to the family.

     

    In the absence of legitimate  children, the illegitimate children  receive one-fourth of the Estate.

     

    Gautama Sutra 28.18.

     

    Manu on Illegitimate Children

    By the sacred tradition the woman is declared to be the soil (or the field), the man is declared to be the seed; the production of all corporeal beings takes place through the union of the soil with the seed.” (Manu. IX.33)

    “Those who, having no property in a field, but possessing seed-corn, sow it in another’s soil, do not receive the grain of the crop which may spring forth.” (Manu.IX.49)

    “If (one man’s) bull were to beget a hundred calves on another man’s cows, they (i.e., the calves) would belong to the owner of the cows; in vain would the bull have spent its strength.” (Manu.IX.50)

    “Thus men who have no marital property in women, but sow their seed in the soil of others, benefit the owner of the woman; but the giver of the seed reaps no benefit.” (Manu.IX.51)

     

    Citation.

     

    https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/advaitin/conversations/messages/55496

     

    http://www.hinduwebsite.com/hinduism/h_children.asp

     

     

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  • Parents Complaints To Children

    There comes a stage when the parents start complaining to their children about each other, instead of children complaining about siblings.

     

    Either the wife or the husband complains to the daughter or son.

     

    This happens when the parents cross fifty and children start earning or get married,whether the son stays with the parents or not.

     

    Children’s complaints.

     

    Recently I had a call on this from a son, settled abroad,on this.

     

    He was worried about this.

     

    Each of the parents have complained about the other.

     

    The Boy wanted to solve the issue

     

    The Boy is over 35 and the parents in their sixties.

     

    He told me he wanted to talk to them separately and set the things right.

     

    He sought my advise.

     

    My answer was to do nothing of the sort.

     

    Any marital relationship is bound have disagreements.

     

    One is dissatisfied with the other.

     

    Matured ones know to leave the disagreements and proceed as if nothing has happened, provided the grouse is not about genuine harassment or involving adultery.

     

    But as one grows old,th children grown up, the parents seek solace in their children.

     

    They do not wish to let  their affairs known to outside the family.

     

    They need an out let to share their feelings.

     

    That’s all and nothing more even though they may not admit it.

     

    Talking to grown up children who are understanding enough reduces tension and gives a feeling that there is someone who listens to problems sympathetically and consoles.

     

    What the children need to do is to  listen to the issue or complaints as one would to a close friend and emphasize with them, with out making an adverse comment about the other parent.

     

    Talk to them,console them and assure them that you shall talk to the other party and resolve.

     

    But do not talk to the other party on this.

     

    This approach, I have seen, has helped a lot of people.

     

    These things shall pass in Life.

     

    Most of the complications in Life arise out of the mistaken notion that all problems can be solved by active participation.

     

    And undue importance given to regular natural incidents.

     

    One should be mature enough to understand what a serious problem is.

     

    Some of these quick fixes for imagined problems arise out of blindly following western thought s about solving problems.

     

    In most cases the cure turns out worse than the disease.

     

     

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