Ramanisblog

Tag: divorce

  • Mantra To Avoid Divorce Marital Disharmony

    I receive quite a few mails regarding personal problems from the Readers ,seeking solution to their personal Issues and I suggest solutions both from the empirical point and from the Mantra aspect.

    Most report that their problems are resolved.

    I have noticed that the issues fall under these issues.
    1.Seeking a child.
    2.Financial difficuties.
    3.Court problems.
    4.Health Issues,physical and mental.
    5.Delayed Marriages.
     
    One important issue about which I have been receiving quite a lot of mails,to my regret, is marital incompatibility,strained relationships and divorce.
     
    I am pained.
    The
    Before I proceed to provide Mantra to help prevent break up of marriages,Improve strained relationships, I would like to share a few thoughts derived out of experience , interacting with a lot people and by counseling people.
     

    Family is the fundamental unit of society and human beings,gregarious by Nature,need others for their well being,physical,mental,emotional and spirititual.

    I have come across people who declare that they do not any one for anything .

    Least of all a marriage.

    I have quite a few friends who are women( connotation would differ if I say girl friends),who declared about 30 years ago that they did not like marriage,wanted to be independant and concentrate on their carrers.

    I have met them recently and meet them often.

    Some of them are well known in Fine Arts,Communications and all of them are successful professionals in their chosen field.

    None of them is worth less than Rupees one crore and palatial homes in prime localities in Bangalore with servants galore to take care of them.

    Being close friends ,they  tell me that  they feel that they have lost out in life,despite their material success and were anguished that they have none to call their own nor any one in whom they can confide in.

    They admitted that professional success and a family need not be in conflict with each other and wished they had a family and pursued their ambitions and managed both.

    It is too late for them now.

    The point is when two individuals come together there is bound to be conflicts for if there is no conflict ,it is no relationship.

    The skill lies in managing the two and survive.

    Life is a question of adaptation,management and survival.

    If you think deep,you will know that we have been compromising throughout our Life right from childhood.

    And it is the Law of Life.

    Had we not,we would not have survived.

    There is a mistaken impression that we compromise for others.

    We compromise because we want to be happy.

    Nothing wrong in this.

    One marries because one wants to and one feels one would be happy if one marries.

    No body marries for altruism.

    But as in life’s choices every thing comes with a unique problem of its own and one has to manage.

    Are there not conflicts in Fine Arts ,in other professions?

    Do people not adjust and manage?

    Then why shy away from marriage?

    In my opinion it is the fear of responsibility one has to bear with marriage.Marriage is not mere physical.

    It has emotional and spiritual side as well.

    And companionship.

    One needs company after one crosses 50,not merely for Sex.

    Unfortunately ,one tends to equate marriage with Sex,thanks to western thoughts!

    In India marriages are beyond physical and they are spiritual too.Lord Shiva carries Uma as a part of His body,Vishnu in His heart and Brahma in His tongue.

    Shiva and Parvati and regarded as words and meaning,one has no relevance withiut the other.

    My point is that one has to adapt in marriages.

    No one has an ideal husband or wife and it is not possible as our ideas keep changing.

    One has to remeber that one’s partner may have high expectations from the other.

    These two do not meet.So one has to adapt.

    And if one divorces with whom one is going to get married again?

    You could not adjust in one relationship and what is the guarantee you can survive the other?

    And in a married life strains are bound to happen.The trick is to face it and be done with it.

    Do not carry forward the fight to the next.And respect other’s privacy.

    It means the ability to share what needs to be shared and what need not.

    Being open does not mean you bare it all.

    Share to spouse what is likely to be of relevance to him/her.

    However there are cases of infidelity,harassment.

    In these cases one may go in for divorce.

    Not for his or her movie choices are different,does not respect your relatives/friends.

    To mend strained relationships and prevent divorce, please follow the mantra provided here.

     
     
    Mantra in Hindi:    “ऊँ श्रीं ह्रीं पूर्ण गृहस्थ सुख सिद्धये ह्रीं श्रीं ऊँ नम:”Mantra in English: “Om Shreem Hreem Puran Grihsth Sukh Shidhye Hreem Shreem Om Namah”One may chant the first sloka of the Soundaryalahai’Sivah sakthyaayukthoo’ as well.

    This mantra was revealed to Uma by Sage Durvasa to help Her marry Lord Shiva.

  • Women Hire Rabbis To Abduct Husbands For Divorce.

    It is a popular misconception that women are passive in matters of Sex.

    It is also held that women are reluctant for Divorce and that it is Men who are always Guilty in matters concerning Divorce or in many a case involving Rape.

    The opposite is true.

    I come from a small town in Tamil Nadu and I distinctly remember, you may disbelieve it, that hardly a couple of women were without extramarital affairs, that too with menials.

    Mind you, this is from an ultra Orthodox community!

    Now News is that Orthodox Jewish women engaged the services of Rabbis to kidnap their Husbands to force them agree to Divorce.
    Story:

    A pair of Orthodox Jewish rabbis hired themselves out for years to unhappy wives who wanted their husbands kidnapped and beaten until they agreed to divorces, federal prosecutors in New Jersey said on Friday after arresting 10 men they said were involved in the scheme.

    Orthodox Jewish women cannot divorce unless husbands consent through a document known as a “get.” Wives paid tens of thousands of dollars to Rabbis Mendel Epstein, Martin Wolmark and eight associates, who abducted their husbands and beat them until they agreed to issue the “get,” prosecutors charged in papers unsealed in U.S. District Court in Trenton on Thursday.

    U.S. Attorney Paul Fishman said on Friday that the racket, uncovered in a sting operation, had been running in various forms for years.

    “I can’t tell you the same 10 guys showed up for each one,” Fishman acknowledged.

    In the sting operation, a pair of undercover FBI agents, posing as an Orthodox Jewish wife and her brother, were to pay $10,000 up front, and another $50,000 to pay for “tough guys” who would beat her husband.

    “This is not an act involving a religious ritual,” Fishman said, “This is something that was done for money.”

    Attorneys for the 10 men arrested, who are being held in federal custody, could not be reached for comment on Friday.

    Epstein discussed using thugs armed with electric cattle prods and handcuffs to persuade husbands to grant the “get” documents, according to a court filing by prosecutors.

    Source”

    http://firsttoknow.com/orthodox-jewish-women-hire-rabbis-kidnap-torture-husbands/

  • Domestic Violence Against Men Helpline

    Domestic Violence Against Men.
    Domestic Violence Against Men.

    Violence is violence.

    Yet when a mention of the term domestic violence crops up, it always is the violence perpetrated by Men against Women.

    What about Men subjected to domestic violence by women?

    Indian law is silent on this issue , so are laws the world over.

    “Definitions.- In this Act, unless the context otherwise requires,-

    (a) ” aggrieved person” means any woman who is, or has been, in a domestic relationship with the respondent and who alleges to have been subjected to any act of domestic violence by the respondent;” Domestic Violence Act India.
    Domestic Violence against Men.

    Findings that women are as violent as men have been termed “gender symmetry”.[1][9][10][11][12][13]

    A 32-nation study of university students “revealed an overwhelming body of evidence that bidirectional violence is the predominant pattern of perpetration; and this study, along with evidence from many other studies (Medeiros & Straus, 2007), indicates that the etiology of PV is mostly parallel for men and women.”[14]

    Domestic Violence against Men.
    Domestic Violence against Men.

    Straus and Gelles found that in couples reporting spousal violence, 27% of the time the man struck the first blow; in 24% of cases, the woman initiated the violence. The rest of the time, the violence was mutual, with both partners brawling. The results were the same even when the most severe episodes of violence were analyzed. In order to counteract claims that the reporting data was skewed, female-only surveys were conducted, asking females to self-report, and the data was the same.[15] The simple tally of physical acts is typically found to be similar in those studies that examine both directions, but some studies show that male violence may be more serious. Male violence may do more damage than female violence;[16] women are more likely to be injured and/or hospitalized. Female partners are more likely to be killed by their male partners than the reverse (62.1% to 37.9% per Department of Justice study), and women in general are more likely to be killed by their spouses than by all other types of assailants combined.[17] From a data set of 6,200 cases of spousal abuse in the Detroit area of the US in 1978-79, a study found that men used weapons 25% of the time while female assailants used weapons 86% of the time; 74% of men sustained injury and of these 84% required medical care.[18] Other studies report that female perpetrated domestic abuse is more common than male among adolescents.[19][20](wiki)

    Signs of Domestic Violence against Men.

    You might be experiencing domestic violence if your partner:

    • Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
    • Prevents you from going to work or school
    • Stops you from seeing family members or friends
    • Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
    • Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
    • Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
    • Threatens you with violence or a weapon
    • Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
    • Assaults you while you’re sleeping, you’ve been drinking or you’re not paying attention to make up for a difference in strength
    • Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
    • Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
    • Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual.

    http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/domestic-violence-against-men/MY00557

    Helpline.

    National Helpline
    01823 334244 
    If you are a man suffering Domestic Abuse or Violence call this number.
    Our confidential helpline is manned from Monday to Friday 10am – 4pm and 7pm – 9pm.
    Helpline services for the Deaf are provided through Text Relay. Visitwww.textrelay.org for details.
    Normal BT rates apply
    If you are in immediate danger, call 999

    http://www.mankind.org.uk/

    Philip Cook’s book Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence offers an account of the politics of statistics across four decades of research on intimate partner violence, chronicling the ways in which the battering of men is overlooked and under-discussed. Cook points out that women make up 20% of domestic violence arrests and, in the reissued version of the book released in 2009, shows how these figures have changed over time, reflecting reporting practices rather than a dramatic increase in the levels of violence. Cook cites a survey sponsored by the Law Enforcement Assistance Administration of abused women seeking shelter in Kentucky found that among violent couples, 38% of attacks were by ones where women reported that they had initiated a violent act.

    Unsurprisingly, men are far less likely than women to report incidents where they have been injured as it might call into question the status of their manhood. For men who did not hit back, retaliate, or perform an evasive action, there remains an expectation among many of the men themselves that they should have been able to fend off what transpired. Counselors note that boys and men who have been the victims of violence have a hard time accepting the label of victim.  Feminized associations with victim language makes it difficult for men and boys who experience violence to seek and accept help.

    http://thefeministwire.com/2013/03/feminist-anxiety-about-domestic-violence-against-men/

  • Marriage Compatibility Myth

    Marriage and Compatibility.
    Marriage and Compatibility.

    I was looking for a suitable Girl for my son(He is married now)

    In India, in general, marriages are arranged by parents.

    For details read my post under ‘Lifestyle’

    Those who believe in horoscope,these are in the majority in the Brahmin community(I do not believe in Horoscopes), circulate the horoscope through their relatives, friends, family priest and of late through Marriage portals.

    Once the horoscopes match, then the process of visiting the would be Bride’s home is on.

    Once the girl and the boy like each other, then the arrangements for Betrothal and marriage starts.

    The problem with the present generation is that they set conditions.

    1.They need to talk to each other,by email,webcam and in person and it is in vogue now.

    2.The girl should be well-educated, employed and domestically well-trained(?!)

    3.The Boy without parents being alive is preferred and most preferred boys are those who do not have siblings;they must commit to support the girl’s parents.

    The Boy should be in a transferable job and can get transferred to the Girls’ place.

    4.Both the Boy and girl declare they should be in the same ‘wave length‘ , each must ‘personal space and they want to ensure that each is compatible with the other.

    I am talking about the point on ‘wavelength’ , ‘personal space ‘and compatibility.

    I was married to a girl whom my parents finalised and have grandchildren now, with usual, ever-present misunderstanding between us.

    What exactly is ”wavelength’?

    If my understanding is correct , it means that both should be able to have same tastes, likes and dislikes.

    I am afraid this is not possible or probable.

    Each is unique.

    If one were to have the same likes, dislikes then Life would become dull and boring.

    It is a question of supplementing each other.

    None loves, likes the others in all their follies and tastes.

    It applies to everyone.

    It is the process of compromising and adjusting that makes Life happy or at least tolerable.

    Another important point is that our tastes. likes and dislikes change during our Life and this complicates Life even further if you have the same’ ‘wave length’

    And what is ”personal space?

    No body is going to take it away from you because you are married.

    This confusion arises because of the notion that in any relationship, one should share everything with another.

    I have a post on this under Lifestyle.

    One can not and need not share everything with everyone, including wife to sustain the relationship.

    There are issues that one should share and some one need not.

    These expectations are imaginary, idealistic, fueled by pulp fiction and films.

    If one were  to be perfect in getting married after checking these wavelengths compatibility nonsense , one remains unmarried and at an unmarriageable age  and have to settle any one  for a Spouse .

    Look at a case reported.

    A girl divorced her husband because he was not compatible.

    She became friendly with a man Online.

    After some intimate exchange of views Online she found it was her ex Husband!

    If the woman had been sure of Compatibility, then  she would not divorced.

    If her judgement is correct, she would not have chosen to contact the Man Online for she had corresponded with him after checking his likes and dislikes.

    How elusive is Compatibility factor is?

    Look at the professional qualification of the people involved.

    Story:

    For nearly a year after her divorce, a West St. Paul woman opened up to a man she dated online, sharing intimate details of her personal life and struggles with her ex-husband.

    Then, prosecutors say, she got a surprise. The man on the other end of the computer was her ex-husband.

    Brian Matthew Cornelius, a 36-year-old Sturgeon Lake, Minn., man, created an elaborate online persona under an assumed name and with borrowed photographs to strike up a digital relationship with his former wife, according to charges filed Tuesday in Dakota County District Court.

    Prosecutors say Cornelius went so far as to arrange to watch the woman through a webcam, and he persuaded her to skip a court appearance in which she was seeking an order for protection against him.

    Phone calls to Cornelius and his most recent attorney of record were not returned Thursday.

    Cornelius and the woman were married in 2000 and divorced in 2011, according to court records. They have two young children together and have sparred in court over custody issues.

    He faces two counts of gross misdemeanor stalking.

    According to the charges:

    About three months after her divorce, the woman met someone through a dating website who went by the name “Aaron Carpenter.” The two struck up an “extensive” online relationship, exchanging emails, text messages and other electronic communications.

    The woman “confided intimate details of her life and daily activities” with Carpenter, including her difficulties with Cornelius. She also let him see her in her home via a webcam, the complaint said.

    In March 2012, after an alleged physical assault by Cornelius, the woman told Carpenter about her plans to get an order for protection against her ex-husband.

    Carpenter persuaded her to skip the court date, and the request for an order subsequently was dismissed.

    Source:

    http://www.twincities.com/minnesota/ci_23406072/west-st-paul-woman-discovers-online-boyfriend-is

    *Definition of Compatibility.

    com·pat·i·ble

    [kuhm-pat-uh-buhl]  Show IPA

    adjective

    1.

    capable of existing or living together in harmony: the most compatible married couple I know.
    2.

    able to exist together with something else: Prejudice is not compatible with true religion.
    3.

    consistent; congruous (often followed by with  ): His claims are not compatible with the facts.

    (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/compatible)

    http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/woman-discovers-online-friend-actually-ex-husband-185458324.html

  • Divorce, Widow Remarriage Allowed By Vedic Hinduism

     

    Gandharva Marriage-Shakuntala and Dushyant.
    Gandharva Marriage-Shakuntala and Dushyant.

    Marriage in India, Hinduism is a bit complex in that Marriages are intertwined with Religion ,Spirituality, Disposition and place in the Society.

    As I have mentioned in my earlier posts, the Social Organisation , incorrectly called as ‘Caste’ Marriages were classified into Eight Types, based on the couples disposition and their Social Status.

    The Eight Types of Marriages ,Vivaha.

    1. Brahma Vivaah:Brahma vivah is considered the best marriage. In this the boy and girl belonging to good families and the same varna get married. The boy should have completed his Brahmacharya Ashram (studenthood). There is no dowry involved and the girl enters the boy’s house with two sets of clothes and some ornaments. In this marriage, the boy’s family approaches the girl’s family. “Kanyadaan”, which is the handing of the bride by her father to the groom, is an important ritual of the Brahma Vivah..
    2. Prajapatya Vivaah: This type of marriage is the same as the Brahma vivaah in all respects, except that the bride’s father gives her away as a gift, not to the groom, but to the groom’s father. This type of marriage is resorted to when the groom and bride are both very young. Thus, the protection of the bride or daughter is handed over by her father to the groom’s father during the Panigrahan (hand-receiving) ceremony. The wedding ceremony involving the young bride and groom may take place immediately afterwards, but the wedding may not be consummated for several years, until the bride and groom are old enough.
    3. Daiva Vivaah: In this type of wedding, there are no feasts or celebrations that are specific to the wedding, but the wedding of the daughter of a poor family is held as an act of charity by wealthy people. It was customary for kings, landlords and rich merchants to hold religious ceremonies and sacrifices where many gifts would be given and charities performed for the benefit of learned Brahmins and the poor. During these great events, a poor man would sometimes approach the wealthy host and seek the charity that his daughter’s wedding be performed at this time. This type of marriage may take place if the girl’s parents are unable to locate a suitable groom within a reasonable period (several years) after the girl has attained puberty. Often, the reason for this would be that the parents of the bride cannot afford the expense of their daughter’s marriage. It was considered improper or unsafe to keep a girl unwed past her teens, and anyway the chances of an aging girl getting a good husband were not better than the same girl getting a good husband at a younger age. So the girl would be bedecked with flowers and whatever small ornaments the parents could provide and taken to the venue of the religious ceremony or sacrifice being performed by a rich magnate. She would be offered in marriage to any willing man and generally this would be one of the priests, young or old. The wedding ceremony would be performed in short order and the feasts which were anyway being hosted as part of the festivities would suffice for this extra wedding also. According to the Dharmashastra, Daiva marriage is considered avoidable but is still respectable since poverty is not culpable; lack of virtue is reprehensible but honest poverty is acceptable.
    4. Arsha Vivaah: In this type of marriage, the family of the groom pays kanya-shulkam or bride-price to the parents of the bride. According to certain texts, the prescribed bride-price is a cow with a calf and a pair of bulls. The sacred texts provide various lists of specific communities where this custom prevailed and imply that it is unfitting in general society. However, several instances are found in the puranas of marriage between a man from mainstream communities and a woman from one of the bride-price seeking communities (Pandu–Madri; Dasharatha–Kaikeyi, etc.). In nearly all cases, the man willingly pays the bride-price and brings his bride home. Also in nearly all these cases, the woman thus obtained comes to dominate her husband and causes havoc and ruin in his family.
    5. Asura Vivaah: In the Asura type of marriage the groom is not at all suitable for the bride. In no way is he a match for the girl but he willingly gives as much wealth as he can afford to the bride’s parents and relatives. In Arsha type cows are given in exchange for the bride but there is no such limitation in the Asura type of marriage. Generally the groom is of lower social rank or caste than the bride. This type of marriage is highly disfavored.
    6. Gandharva Vivaah: When a man and a woman marry for love and without the consent of their families, that marriage is called Gandharva Vivaah or ‘love marriage.’ This type of marriage is considered impious and degrading because it is motivated by lust. In Hinduism, a man is supposed to marry a woman who will aid him in performing his duties towards his parents, clan and society, and to have sons to perpetuate his lineage. Love marriages are seen as taking a man away from all these duties and making him besotted to a beautiful, lustful woman, mindful only of his own selfish pleasures and unmindful of his duties. Hence this form of marriage is reprobated.
    7. Rakshasa Vivaah: This is essentially marriage by abduction. In cases where the girl is willing to marry the boy but her family is against the alliance, the girl may be abducted and married. It is essential that the girl be willing, because otherwise, the puranas and shastras simply treat the incident of abduction as rape, with consequent vengeance and retribution. Instances of such marriages include Krishna–Rukmini and Arjuna–Subhadra, in all of which cases the girl was willing and the results were good.
    8. Paishacha Vivaah: In the case where the bride is intoxicated, possessed or not in a conscious state of mind when being married and thus is married unwillingly, is an example Paishacha vivaah, and which has been outlawed by Manu.(Wiki)

    Of these eight,  in the first Two Case, Brahmana Vivaha and Prajapati Vivaha, Divorce and Remarriage and Widow Remarriage were not allowed.

    This is because of the elevated status these two groups, which perform these types of Marriages belong to.

    Normally  these were performed by the Brahmana, Kshatriya and Vaisya Communities.

    What is important to note is that the ‘Caste’ is determined based on wedlock and Wedlock is not determined by the caste, in the sense that those who marry other than these two types of Marriages no longer belong to the Group and are not constrained by  their original groups laws.

    An example is the marriage of  Asura Guru,Sukra’s daughter’s marriage.( Devyani).

    Sukracharya, a Brahmin was the Guru of Asuras .

    His duty was to get his daughter married  in the style of Brahmana Vivaha.

    Since it he did not do it, for no fault of his, he separated himself from his daughter, who later married  a King.

    In these cases, the Laws of Manu ,proscribing remarriage or Divorce do not apply.

    The Laws of Manu forbidding Remarriage and Divorce are related to the two types of marriages and not to other Varnas.

    In all the other six cases, laws of Manu do not apply and there is no bar for remarriage.

    As has been the vein of Sanatana Dharama, stricter laws are applied to Barhmains, Kshatriyas ans Vaishyas.

    Therefore Divorce and Remarriages were allowed  except in the case of the Brahmanas ,Kshtriyas and Vishyas,

    In case people from these groups decide to marry in a form other than what is prescribed, Namely Brahman Vivaha and Prajapati Vivaha, tey acn, but they are no longer controlled by the laws that were applicable to them earlier.

    The which group do they belong to and what rules should they follow?

    This will be dealt with separately in another post, where I will be discussing how many so-called caste groups came into being.

    Ref:

    Indian History By Reddy.

    http://books.google.co.in/books?id=CeEmpfmbxKEC&pg=SL1-PA233&lpg=SL1-PA233&dq=remarriage+of+Gandharva+Vivaha&source=bl&ots=fwIEuFM2AF&sig=1WnCrPG8RSlQFj2FltTr278Iqlk&hl=en&sa=X&ei=UUPvUdPiF4q8rAfXg4HwDQ&ved=0CD0Q6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=remarriage%20of%20Gandharva%20Vivaha&f=false

    http://hinduism.about.com/library/weekly/extra/bl-lawsofmanu1.htm